The Hittman Chronicle

Dave Hitt

In a joint press conference today, Senators Fritz Disney and Orrin RIAA announced that most members of congress have changed their last names to match the companies and special interest groups that bought and paid for their services. The new naming procedure is not a law, but congress hopes it will become an ongoing tradition.

Orrin RIAA, the congressman formerly known as Hatch, explained the reasoning behind the decision. "Stadiums change their names for a fee. Donald Trump puts his name on everything he owns. So we thought it would be less confusing if we did the same thing. For instance, since I'm trying to jail the grandmothers and twelve year olds who are bankrupting the poor, poor record companies, it was only fitting to take the name of the Recording Industry Association America. But," he joked, "my first name is still up for grabs. The guys who make Oreos should give me a call. Just kidding. But call anyway, OK?"

Compromises were necessary because most industries purchase multiple congress members. For instance, trial lawyers are the top contributors for nearly every weasel. "It would have been too confusing," RIAA explained, "to change everyone's last name to "scumsucker" or "bottom-feeder. So most of us took the name of someone a bit further down our list of owners."

Tom Goldman-Sachs, who used to go by the last name Daschile, said "I picked the first name on my list. 'Tom Time-Warner,' after my number two owner, didn't quite sound right to me. I like the alliteration of 'Tom Viacom,' but they were third on my list this year. I really like the sound of that name, though. Are you listening, Viacom?" The Senator from New York interrupted him. "They paid me eight million dollars for a book contract without so much as a one page proposal. I think you're being presumptuous," said Hillary Viacom.

Fritz Disney was delighted with his new name. "At first I was annoyed when my cronies called me 'the senator from Disney,' but then I got used to it, then got to like it, and now I'm making it official. After all, they paid for it"

Dennis Morgan-Stanley (formerly known as Mr. Hassert) said he liked his new name, but his family wasn't as enthusiastic. "My wife doesn't want to change her name, and I won't force the issue. But I am considering renaming the kids."

Vice President Dick Halliburton and Democratic Presidential Candidate John Citigroup could not be reached for comment.


Additional Information

Find who owns your congress weasel at Open Secrets

April 2004


© 2004 Dave Hitt

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