Small Masthead

7 Words You Can Never Say in a Canoe
Dan Akers

Middle-of-Nowhere - Michigan. (THMC) Timothy Boomer has been convicted for shooting his mouth off on Rifle River. He swore after his canoe hit a rock and dumped him into the water. Not a single, simple expletive, but a torrent of profanity issued forth from this poor, misguided individual. He apparently believed the situation warranted an extreme verbal reaction. He is being charged with a 1897 law that makes it a crime to swear in front of women and children.

No shit.

The law is vague, the intentions antiquated and the arrest, ludicrous. The young man insists his words are covered under his First Amendment right to free speech. This might lead to a direct challenge of the fundamental rights of the individual versus the Fundamentalist Right.


It is unfortunate that this conflict should arise, when neither the man nor the town is really at fault. If the problem is the exposure of children to the real world, the solution becomes obvious. Isolate the children.

Little bastards.

This might seem extreme, but, in truth, you never know what little Timmy might run into next. Even when parents are around, such events occur. (Shit happens.) This often makes the situation worse, as it forces parents to actually play some role in the little bastards social development. Better to rush Timmy home to wipe the event from his brain with the toilet paper of PBS. Several taped episodes of Tele-Tubbies should do it (but not ones featuring Tinky Winky).


It has become common practice for the law to intervene to insure the safety of a child. For instance, bike helmets are a legal requirement in many areas. This relieves the parentsí simple brains of thought or responsibility. It frees them from images of little Timmyís brain staining the pavement. Letís take this isolationism to its inevitable conclusion; Stimulus Restraint Devices, "SRD ®". Take the basic helmet, add welders lenses and threaded ear plugs. The child is then completely cut off from outside conversation and influences. His parents can relax while little Timmy sits in his dark, quiet, safe little world.

Fucking cool.

June 1999


© 1999 Dan Akers

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