The Hittman Chronicle

The Hittman Does The Movies

Because there just aren't enough movie reviews on the Internet

Movie critics come in three basic flavors.

The first flavor are the movie enthusiasts. They love movies so much they became critics so they could see as many as possible. Their reviews can be very helpful, but are somewhat tainted by the number of movies they see. They've seen all the tricks before and it takes a pretty amazing film to blow them away. Craftsmanship and sheer novelty impresses them more than it impresses us, so they may recommend clever, crafty movies that you won't enjoy.

Flavor number two consists of the Pompous Twits. You can spot PTs before you finish the second sentence of their reviews. Sometimes you can spot them from the title. Their goal is not to inform, but to impress you with their superior taste. They hate everything that might appeal to the unwashed masses (i.e. you) and fill their reviews with references to arty films that were (rightfully) ignored by everyone except other PTs. Some are frustrated, unsuccessful screenwriters. "They wouldn't film my screenplay, because it was too good. Only crap sells these days." (Translation: Their screenplay sucked.) PTs tend to write for local arts tabloids, college papers and pseudo-intellectual snooty arts magazines. Occasionally they can be useful for the reverse effect: If Mr. Pompous slams a movie it's probably pretty good, if he praises it it's probably garbage. But generally you're better off just avoiding their diatribes.

The third flavor of critic is the one you trust the most: your friends. Their tastes are similar to yours, and they're not interested in impressing you with their superior critical skills. They don't see enough movies to be jaded and aren't embarrassed to enjoy a movie that's just silly fluff. They'll tell you what they liked and what they didn't like without trying to impress you with their expertise.

That's the approach I'll be shooting for in these reviews. I'll tell you why I thought a movie was great or horrible without implying that anyone who disagrees is a philistine. And since a review that's as long as the movie tends to give away too much, I'll keep them short.

I very seldom see movies during their first run, because in my area the Hoyts chain has monopolized most of the theaters and I refuse to pay their outrageous admission. Sometimes I get to see movies in second run theaters, but most of the time I don't get to them until the video is released. If you'd like to me to review a current movie, please send me the name of the movie and a twenty dollar bill to cover admission for me and a friend, and I'll have a review posted for you within a week or so.

I'll be reviewing older movies as well as recent ones, especially very good older movies you might have missed. Sometimes I'll review a classic that nearly everyone has seen just because I feel like writing about it.

Ratings: The first rating will be the familiar four star rating system. Four stars will be the maximum, except for the very, very rare film that deserves five. When appropriate, other ratings will also be applied. There will be snore ratings, stuff-blowed-up ratings, plot hole ratings, chick-flick ratings, and other ratings I haven't thought up yet. Note to men looking for sex tonight: Pick up a movie with least three stars and a three chick rating. You'll both enjoy it, and you'll probably score shortly after the credits roll.

On to the reviews...


March, 2000

© 2000 Dave Hitt

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