The Hittman Chronicle


Plot Holes:

Kevin Costner is determined to be remembered as the Ed Wood of our generation. He spent a million bucks a minute on Waterworld (a.k.a. Fishtar) and it shows. Every minute is jam packed with enormous plot holes, lousy acting, junk science, trite clichés, goofy action scenes, plot holes and errors galore.

The earth is completely covered by water, except for maybe a mystery island somewhere that no one can find, despite the fact that such an island would be visible for hundreds of miles. The movie starts with the Mariner (Costner) peeing into a cup and then running his urine through an elaborate filtering machine (even though a solar still is trivial technology). This is a perfect simile for the rest of the movie: it's a real pisser.

The errors are enormous, obvious and abundant. Everyone has forgotten how to read, but they're good at cryptography. Although everyone is illiterate, paper is extremely valuable. The Mariner has gills for diving and doesn't like guests, but has a convenient bathysphere handy when he needs it. Cigarettes are still smokeable after being in storage for 200 years. A tanker (which turns out to be the Valdeez, even though the Valdeez has been renamed) still has enough gas to power the jet skis, which are running perfectly 200 years after any spare parts have been available. Deacon, (Dennis Hopper) who tries to be a mean bad guy but comes off as a silly comic book character, gets shot in the eye with a large caliber bullet, slaps on an eye patch and continues chasing down the Mariner. Fishing gear is tossed overboard, ("this is useless") and then the Mariner goes fishing by using himself as bait, getting swallowed by a big fish and shooting it from the inside. The Mariner is the only person on earth with a stack of National Geographic magazines. I could continue, but my provider limits my hard drive space to five megabytes, not nearly enough to list all the errors in this film. Besides, picking them out yourself is the only thing that makes this movie fun.

I saw it with friends in a third run, nearly empty theater, and we had a great time laughing at it and pointing out the errors. But there were too many to point out in the 136 minutes of the movie, so afterwards we went out to a dinner and picked it apart some more.

If you've ever wanted to create your own Mystery Science Theater, this is the perfect film for it. Invite some friends over, fill a few bowls with popcorn, open a few beers and have a great time. If you enjoy laughing at horrible movies, they just don't get more wonderfully horrible than this.

© 2000 Dave Hitt

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