The Hittman Chronicle

Allow me to join my fellow New Yorkers in welcoming Hillary as our next senator: AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHHH! Now I know how people in North Carolina feel when Jesse Helms wins.

Hillary, whose sole connection to New York state is...Ah...well...OK, she has no connection to New York, other than recognizing it as a state containing enough stupid people to further her political ambitions. But at least her qualifications for being a senator are... ah...well...OK... I think I got it - she's the only woman in Washington who hasn't slept with Bill Clinton. Wait, that's not a qualification...

I don't like politicians in general. Most start as lawyers, the only form of human life lower than telemarketers. Then they sink lower into the ooze by deciding that they, somehow, are qualified to tell the rest of us how to live. They usually phrase it as "wanting to help," but that help is financed by theft at the point of a gun, better known as "taxes."

(All law comes down to force at the point of a gun. (It's difficult to explain this without sounding like some bombastic paranoid ranting about the Tri-Lateral comission, but bear with me.) You seldom see the guns, but the threat is there, and real. If you resist or refuse to cooperate, they will be used when the situation escalates. Therefore, the most important question to ask when considering passing any law is "Is this worth pointing a gun at someone?" The answer is obivous when discussing things like rape, robbery or murder. One could argue that's it's justifible to pay for military protection. But what about forcing people to finance things like grandma's pain pills? How about an art gallery? And does it make sense to point a gun at someone to keep them from hurting themselves? "Smoking pot is bad for you - stop or I'll shoot!")

While there are plenty of reasons to hate just about every politician, Hillary, according to her breathless fans, is unique and special. So, in the spirit of specialness, let us not squander the opportunity to find a unique and special reason to despise her. We won't have to look far.

I could never understand the notion that she deserved credit for standing by her man while he laid more pipe than a DPW worker. It takes a special kind of shallowness for a woman to stay with a chronic philander to further her own political ambitions. I can understand her forgiving him for one affair. (I certainly appreciated it when my wife forgave me for my fling with Catherine Zeta-Jones.) Forgiving him once, that's fine. Twice, maybe. But if she had any integrity, by the third time she would have told him the honeymoon was over, although in their case, there were still four days left.

But that just makes her "strong woman" facade a hypocritical sham. Most politicians are hypocritical, so this is a good reason to dislike her, but not to despise her.

The whole "it takes a village" thing makes my skin crawl. It doesn't take a village to raise a child. It tales a parent, preferably two. They have to honestly like their kids and enjoy spending time with them. They have to treat them like kids and like people, not miniature grownups or adult larvae. Setting a good example and having other relatives around helps too. But you don't need a village, which is her way of saying "government," to raise a child. Anyone who thinks otherwise should take a look at the politicians slithering around Washington. Is that the way you want your kids to turn out?

But most politicians think government should be "helping" to raise your kids, whether you want them to or not, so that's just a reason to dislike her, not despise her.

Her smile appears to be the work of the man who did Jack Nicholson's makeup in the first Batman movie. It looks like it's made of latex and pasted on. Or maybe she's just wearing wax lips.

But every politician has a phony smile, so that's just a reason to dislike her, not despise her.

Her attempt to take over the health industry illustrates her commitment to solving every problem by creating Enormously Monstrous Governmental Programs. For every problem there's a governmental solution, and it's always superior to any other approach. If there's no problem, she'll find one anyway, then insist of applying an governmental fix.

But that just makes her a socialist, and most Democrats are socialists. (Many of them don't even realize it.) That's not a reason to despise them. Well, OK, it is, but it's not unique to her.

For me, her defining moment was when she declared anyone who tried to go outside her Enormous Monster Health Plan would be guilty of a felony. Think about what that means. Under her plan if you decided to take your own money and pay it to a doctor who agreed to provide you with health care, you would be a felon. She wasn't just going to make it difficult for you to work outside her system, she was going to punish you for even attempting to, by sending men with guns to haul you away, and shoot you if you resisted.

That makes her a tyrant. And that is plenty of reason to despise anyone.

Of course, it would be uncharitable of me to insist that my reason for hating Hillary is the only one, or even the best one. Just because it works for me doesn't mean it's the best path for others to follow. So in the spirit of peace and love and harmony, let the whole village join hands with our big brother, sing Kumbuya, become self-actualized and seek inner harmony, knowing deep in our heart that it is not important why you despise Hillary, it is only important that you do.


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November, 2000


© 2000 Dave Hitt

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