The Hittman Chronicle

Personal Boycotts

I was driving past K-Mart when I remembered I needed some wood chips to finish off a landscaping project. I kept driving. I've been avoiding shopping there since Rosie O'Donnell started flapping her porcine jowls about guns. I usually don't care who advertises for who or what their personal politics are, but the more she snorts her opinions on the subject the more insufferable she becomes. It's not her ignorance that annoys me - most Americans are ignorant of our constitution - but that she has the gall to pretend she speaks for the entire country. "It is 1999," she proclaimed on her show, "we have had enough as a nation. You are not allowed to own a gun, and if you do own a gun, I think you should go to prison." Sorry Ms. Priggy, I'm part of this nation, and don't recall hiring you as my personal spokesbovine.

It didn't bother me enough to fire off a letter to K-Mart. People who did received a very polite reply claiming that Rosie is merely an actress they hired for a commercial, not a representative of their company. That might have been a valid excuse if she hadn't attacked Tom Selleck on her horrid show. Tom visited to plug a movie, and she proceeded to hound him off the stage for doing a commercial for the NRA. What's good for the goose is good for the sow, so until K-Mart publicly announces they've canned her I'll shop elsewhere. (There's got to be a joke about canned ham in there somewhere.)

I own several guns, but they all shoot water, except for one that shoots rubber bands. I don't belong to the NRA or go to rallies or join organizations devoted to the right to bear arms. I simply respect the hell out of the constitution, understand what it really says, and know the real reason behind the second amendment. When some idiot in a position to influence a lot of people spews ignorant drivel and is proud of herself for it, it annoys me enough to avoid the store they're representing, my own personal little boycott.

But I still needed those wood chips. There was a Wal-Mart near by but I won't shop there either. There are lots of reasons to hate Wal-Mart, from the way they interfere in their employees private lives to labeling imported clothes "made in the USA" to just being a gross and disgusting store, but it wasn't until they started censoring music that I made a solid decision to stay away. People foolish enough to buy their music there may be getting what the artist intended, or they may not - there's no way to tell if a particular CD has been cleaned up to avoid offending the tender sensibilities of the chain's decision makers. It's fraud, pure and simple. If the damaged CDs were clearly marked there'd be no cause for complaint. I suggest they wrap them with a single strip of white paper reading "Cleaned and sanitized for your protection."

I ended up getting the wood chips at a local gardening shop. I paid a bit more, but it feels good to spend money with a local business. This particular nursery runs commercials from time to time, and while they're not all that clever or memorable, they never, ever scream at me or insult my intelligence. Any commercial that screams at me creates an instant personal boycott. Stupidity in a commercial does the same thing. There are dozens of local car and furniture dealers who will never see a dime of my money.

Local commercials aren't the worst, though - many national brands have advertised their way on to my boycott list. What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. 

-- Vice President Dan Quayle speaking to the United Negro College FundI'll never buy Wisk. Even though their stupid Ring-Around-The-Collar campaign has been buried for years, I can't forgive them for making me suffer through it for two decades. Just as the memories of the idiotic Mr. Whipple commercials started to fade Charmin is bringing him back. It will never, ever end up in my bathroom. I'll use smoke signals or just yell really loud before I'll ever use any of the 800-collect services whose commercials are dumber than two Dan Quayles sharing a bottle of Quaaludes.

I put the wood chips in the shed and grabbed a cold Pepsi. I've always liked Pepsi better than Coke, but if they don't get rid of that obnoxious kid-with-the-voices ad campaign soon, I'll be looking for another beverage.

While I was finishing my soda my wife said she wanted to go to see "The Story of Us." I told her that I was boycotting anything involving Reiner since he attacked California smokers with his "Meathead Tax," a vindictive tax specifically designed to force tobacco stores out of business. It was a good excuse to avoid a chick flick. Sometimes these personal boycotts come in handy.

Other Links

Some more info on Wal-Mart's attack on the music industry.

If you just can't get enough of Danny Boy, here's a few more Quayle Quotes.

November, 1999


© 1999 Dave Hitt

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