Catholics go Cuckoo for Crackers

Most of us associate religious whack-jobbery with Christian and Muslim fundies. At first glance it may appear that mainstream Christian denominations have grown up a bit, and are not quite as goofy as the fringes.

A mass of wacky catholics have stepped up to correct that misconception.

Webster Cook, a student at University of Central Florida, walked out of mass with the cracker the priest gave him. Some are claiming it was an act of protest. He says he wanted to show it to a friend who was curious about the ritual. Whatever his motives it’s unlikely he expected the resultant shitstorm.

The Diocese wants the cracker back so they can take care of it properly and respectfully. Father Migeul Gonzalez likened it to a kidnapping, and said it was like asking the kidnapper to return a loved one to the family. Susan Fani of the local Catholic diocese said, “If anything were to qualify as a hate crime, to us this seems like this might be it.”

Cook received enough death threats that campus security was called to protect him.

Over a cracker.

P.Z Myers blogged about it with an article titled “It’s a Frackin Cracker!” In the article he asked if someone could send him a consecrated cracker so he could hold it hostage and desecrate it. As a result he and his employer received a torrent of death threats.

Over a cracker.

The Muslims who wanted to behead a woman for letting her students (their kids) name a teddy bear “Mohamed” now have some Christians to compare notes with.

I haven’t received any good threats in a while, so I’ve done something that should incite both Catholics and Muslims in one swoop.

Saturday I went to the store and picked up a box of Teddy Grams. On Sunday I went to a Catholic Mass and slipped two of them into the hands of a drunken priest with thick glasses. He looked a bit confused while he blessed them and returned them to me.

I took them home and named each of them Mohamed. Then I dipped one of them in bacon fat and fed it to my dog. (I don’t have a pig handy.) I’ve got the other one in a safe place, and am waiting for suggestions on the best way to desecrate it.

More Wackyness:

After this post on the Catholic Exchange, which announced that Catholic League president Bill Donohue was going to contact the state legislature to see what could be done, Doris Rodriguez commented: “How utterly sad and tragic that a grown man with so much responsibility and influence among our youth can resort to something so childish and immature!”

Right, because freaking out over a glorified Ritz is the adult, mature thing to do.

From the blog Vive Christus Rex: “…the Eucharist IS our God” Your god is a cracker?

From the same source, a list of all the things he needs to do to be saved, including written aplogies to everyone and six months of sensetivity training. Eveidently he needs to learn how to respect childish stupidity.

From Magic City News (So nice to believe in magic): “Myers needs to be fired and possibly even arrested.”

11 Comment(s)

  1. I swear we’re not all that crazy. We’re really not.

    Michael Tighe | Jul 15, 2008 | Reply

  2. If it were a Muslim cracker, there’d be riots!

    Parrot | Jul 16, 2008 | Reply

  3. It is very apparent that you know not of what you speak and my heart goes out to you! I will add your name to my prayer list so that hopefully something good will come of your senseless prattle. God bless you and may His love for you penetrate your hard heart and closed mind.

    Doris Rodriguez | Jul 25, 2008 | Reply

  4. “After this post on the Catholic Exchange, which announced that Catholic League president Bill Donohue was going to contact the state legislature to see what could be done, Doris Rodriguez commented: “How utterly sad and tragic that a grown man with so much responsibility and influence among our youth can resort to something so childish and immature!””

    Oh, and by the way, your reading comprehension isn’t at its utmost level either because my comment was in response to Professor Paul Myer’s actions … not Bill Donahue’s. It’s nice to know that you aren’t concerned about responsible journalism or getting your facts straight … so I would have to place your website in the categories of fiction, slander, and gossip! If you’re going to post it, at least get it right, please!

    Doris Rodriguez | Jul 25, 2008 | Reply

  5. Doris, I thought you were referring to the student. My reading comprehension can’t overcome your poor writing skills.

    Thanks for the clarification, though. I’m sure my readers were spending many sleepless nights over this.

    PZ Myer is a respected researcher and biologist whose papers and writings are well respected worldwide.

    You, on the other hand, worship crackers.

    But at least you can take comfort in mumbling to an invisible, imaginary sky-daddy. So you’ve got that going for you.

    Dave Hitt | Jul 25, 2008 | Reply

  6. “respected reacher and bioligist”

    I guess you mean “teacher” and “biologist” … but well-respected is questionable at this point. This little escapade of his will definitely diminish the “well” part of that phrase. It’s tragic when someone feels the need to trespass into an area they know nothing about out of ignorance and then have to reap the consequences of their folly. The spiritual consequences yours and Mr. Myers’ actions are far more dire than the physical ones, I assure you. I will continue to pray that you both experience a change of heart.

    Doris Rodriguez | Jul 25, 2008 | Reply

  7. He’s respected by those who matter, and despised by those who don’t.

    Please, Doris, pray and pray and pray some more for me, and for everyone else who dares to question your silliness. Instead of harrasing people for harmless actions, pray for them. Instead of revealing your goofyness all over the internet, pray for us. Do it in your house, by yourself, and do it a lot. When you’re tempted to go out in public, pray, inside, instead.

    However, when praying for me, please don’t pray to a stale, tasteless cracker. I much prefer Oreos. Pray to them instead.

    Dave Hitt | Jul 26, 2008 | Reply

  8. Here are the words of life, read them then make your choice! I am now shaking the dust from my feet and leaving you to ponder these things on your own. God bless you!

    John 6:1-66
    After this, Jesus went across the Sea of Galilee (some call it Tiberias). A huge crowd followed him, attracted by the miracles they had seen him do among the sick. When he got to the other side, he climbed a hill and sat down, surrounded by his disciples. It was nearly time for the Feast of Passover, kept annually by the Jews.

    When Jesus looked out and saw that a large crowd had arrived, he said to Philip, “Where can we buy bread to feed these people?” He said this to stretch Philip’s faith. He already knew what he was going to do.

    Philip answered, “Two hundred silver pieces wouldn’t be enough to buy bread for each person to get a piece.”

    One of the disciples—it was Andrew, brother to Simon Peter—said, “There’s a little boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish. But that’s a drop in the bucket for a crowd like this.”

    Jesus said, “Make the people sit down.” There was a nice carpet of green grass in this place. They sat down, about five thousand of them. Then Jesus took the bread and, having given thanks, gave it to those who were seated. He did the same with the fish. All ate as much as they wanted.

    When the people had eaten their fill, he said to his disciples, “Gather the leftovers so nothing is wasted.” They went to work and filled twelve large baskets with leftovers from the five barley loaves.

    The people realized that God was at work among them in what Jesus had just done. They said, “This is the Prophet for sure, God’s Prophet right here in Galilee!” Jesus saw that in their enthusiasm, they were about to grab him and make him king, so he slipped off and went back up the mountain to be by himself.

    In the evening his disciples went down to the sea, got in the boat, and headed back across the water to Capernaum. It had grown quite dark and Jesus had not yet returned. A huge wind blew up, churning the sea. They were maybe three or four miles out when they saw Jesus walking on the sea, quite near the boat. They were scared senseless, but he reassured them, “It’s me. It’s all right. Don’t be afraid.” So they took him on board. In no time they reached land—the exact spot they were headed to.

    The next day the crowd that was left behind realized that there had been only one boat, and that Jesus had not gotten into it with his disciples. They had seen them go off without him. By now boats from Tiberias had pulled up near where they had eaten the bread blessed by the Master. So when the crowd realized he was gone and wasn’t coming back, they piled into the Tiberias boats and headed for Capernaum, looking for Jesus.

    When they found him back across the sea, they said, “Rabbi, when did you get here?”

    Jesus answered, “You’ve come looking for me not because you saw God in my actions but because I fed you, filled your stomachs—and for free.

    “Don’t waste your energy striving for perishable food like that. Work for the food that sticks with you, food that nourishes your lasting life, food the Son of Man provides. He and what he does are guaranteed by God the Father to last.”

    To that they said, “Well, what do we do then to get in on God’s works?”

    Jesus said, “Throw your lot in with the One that God has sent. That kind of a commitment gets you in on God’s works.”

    They waffled: “Why don’t you give us a clue about who you are, just a hint of what’s going on? When we see what’s up, we’ll commit ourselves. Show us what you can do. Moses fed our ancestors with bread in the desert. It says so in the Scriptures: ‘He gave them bread from heaven to eat.'”

    Jesus responded, “The real significance of that Scripture is not that Moses gave you bread from heaven but that my Father is right now offering you bread from heaven, the real bread. The Bread of God came down out of heaven and is giving life to the world.”

    They jumped at that: “Master, give us this bread, now and forever!”

    Jesus said, “I am the Bread of Life. The person who aligns with me hungers no more and thirsts no more, ever. I have told you this explicitly because even though you have seen me in action, you don’t really believe me. Every person the Father gives me eventually comes running to me. And once that person is with me, I hold on and don’t let go. I came down from heaven not to follow my own whim but to accomplish the will of the One who sent me.

    “This, in a nutshell, is that will: that everything handed over to me by the Father be completed—not a single detail missed—and at the wrap-up of time I have everything and everyone put together, upright and whole. This is what my Father wants: that anyone who sees the Son and trusts who he is and what he does and then aligns with him will enter real life, eternal life. My part is to put them on their feet alive and whole at the completion of time.”

    At this, because he said, “I am the Bread that came down from heaven,” the Jews started arguing over him: “Isn’t this the son of Joseph? Don’t we know his father? Don’t we know his mother? How can he now say, ‘I came down out of heaven’ and expect anyone to believe him?”

    Jesus said, “Don’t bicker among yourselves over me. You’re not in charge here. The Father who sent me is in charge. He draws people to me—that’s the only way you’ll ever come. Only then do I do my work, putting people together, setting them on their feet, ready for the End. This is what the prophets meant when they wrote, ‘And then they will all be personally taught by God.’ Anyone who has spent any time at all listening to the Father, really listening and therefore learning, comes to me to be taught personally—to see it with his own eyes, hear it with his own ears, from me, since I have it firsthand from the Father. No one has seen the Father except the One who has his Being alongside the Father—and you can see me.

    “I’m telling you the most solemn and sober truth now: Whoever believes in me has real life, eternal life. I am the Bread of Life. Your ancestors ate the manna bread in the desert and died. But now here is Bread that truly comes down out of heaven. Anyone eating this Bread will not die, ever. I am the Bread—living Bread!—who came down out of heaven. Anyone who eats this Bread will live—and forever! The Bread that I present to the world so that it can eat and live is myself, this flesh-and-blood self.”

    At this, the Jews started fighting among themselves: “How can this man serve up his flesh for a meal?”

    But Jesus didn’t give an inch. “Only insofar as you eat and drink flesh and blood, the flesh and blood of the Son of Man, do you have life within you. The one who brings a hearty appetite to this eating and drinking has eternal life and will be fit and ready for the Final Day. My flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. By eating my flesh and drinking my blood you enter into me and I into you. In the same way that the fully alive Father sent me here and I live because of him, so the one who makes a meal of me lives because of me. This is the Bread from heaven. Your ancestors ate bread and later died. Whoever eats this Bread will live always.”

    He said these things while teaching in the meeting place in Capernaum.

    Many among his disciples heard this and said, “This is tough teaching, too tough to swallow.”

    Jesus sensed that his disciples were having a hard time with this and said, “Does this throw you completely? What would happen if you saw the Son of Man ascending to where he came from? The Spirit can make life. Sheer muscle and willpower don’t make anything happen. Every word I’ve spoken to you is a Spirit-word, and so it is life-making. But some of you are resisting, refusing to have any part in this.” (Jesus knew from the start that some weren’t going to risk themselves with him. He knew also who would betray him.) He went on to say, “This is why I told you earlier that no one is capable of coming to me on his own. You get to me only as a gift from the Father.”

    After this a lot of his disciples left. They no longer wanted to be associated with him. Then Jesus gave the Twelve their chance: “Do you also want to leave?”

    Peter replied, “Master, to whom would we go? You have the words of real life, eternal life. We’ve already committed ourselves, confident that you are the Holy One of God.”

    Jesus responded, “Haven’t I handpicked you, the Twelve? Still, one of you is a devil!”

    He was referring to Judas, son of Simon Iscariot. This man—one from the Twelve!—was even then getting ready to betray him.

    Doris Rodriguez | Jul 26, 2008 | Reply

  9. Wow, you cut and paste really well. I’m awfully impressed.

    Nothing in there about crackers, though.

    And now it’s time for “Cooking With Christ.” Todays recipe, Fish frys and rolls.

    “Hi Everyone, thanks for tuning in, and God Bless.

    “First, start out with five loaves and two fish. Of course, if you’re cooking for more than ten thousand, double the recipe.”

    Hittman | Jul 26, 2008 | Reply

  10. Ooohh.. A cut and paste job of a- more than- 2 thousand years old book that states that a zombie who is also more than 2 thousand years old now forgave us of all our sins (Damn i hope that includes raping a little boy cause i reeeeally like little boys) And that same zombie coul multiply foods? Take the zombie to Africa. Oh I have just converted to your religion, I now oficially believe that a guy created me for his amusement.

    Diego | Oct 4, 2009 | Reply

  11. tl;dr

    leon salleuf | May 24, 2010 | Reply

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