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Congratulations, Officers

“You know the score, pal! {If} you’re not cop, you’re little people.”
– Bryant, in Blade Runner.

Congratulations, Officers. You’ve set a new record. In 2015 you killed 1202 people – slightly more than 100 per month.

When I checked the numbers at Killed By Police on December 28, you were at 1196. I was worried you wouldn’t make it to 1200. But you did. Good job! Two other reports came in since then, making it 1202. Thanks for giving us those nice little bonus killings.

And that’s not even counting all the prison suicides you’ve faked.

Any Little People who are not impressed should compare our officer’s performance to that of cops in other countries. In 2014, China reported their cops had killed a mere twelve people, and they have four times our population. A few of our killer cops should go over there and teach them how to do it right. Hell, let’s send them all over.

Officers of Vermont, you should be ashamed. You didn’t kill anyone. I know your state’s population consists entirely of aging hippies who sell maple syrup out of rusty pickup trucks before having a dinner of road-kill raccoon, but you should have put forth a little effort. Not a single one of us Little People were terminated by cops in The Green Mountain State. Come on, guys, get with the program.

Special congratulations go out to Lisa Mearkle. You chased down 59-year-old David Kassick and tazed him over and over as he lay face down in the snow. Then you fired two shots into his back, killing him on the spot. Your tazer camera showed very clear video of the event. No reasonable person, watching that video, would see anything other than a cruel, cold-blooded murder by a woman who was completely out of control. Yet, you convinced a jury to gift you with a not guilty verdict. Thank you for proving the system works as designed.

walterA finger wag of disappointment, though, for Officer Cairo Palacios, who shot Walter DeLeon in the head. Walter was approaching your car carrying an obviously deadly towel and water bottle, so you blew off half his head. That’s fine – standard protocol – but because of your poor marksmanship, Walter survived. 25% of his skull has been removed, he’s nearly blind, can’t walk, and is severely crippled for life, but now he’s out there saying bad things about the police. Shame on you for doing your job so poorly that he survived. You should be ashamed.

I know some officers are concerned about the increase in charges and indictments against them in 2015. Relax. It’s all theater for us Little People. Officer Mearkle proved you have nothing to worry about. You just keep doing your job, letting Little People know who’s boss, and The State will do their job of making sure you get away with it.

Know that no matter what you do, no matter how brutal and horrible and unjustifiable your crimes, you’ll always have millions of Little People singing your praises. (Anyone doubting this should check out the YouTube comments on the Mearkle video.) So don’t let up even a little. Keep us safe by killing us.

We love you.

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1 Comment(s)

  1. I say we can make 2016 a banner year. 2500, I believe you can do it. Remember all those now legal marijuana smokers, a bong can look like a gun right?

    Mike | Jan 10, 2016 | Reply

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