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I’m Voting Republican

Recently the video “I’m Voting Republican ” has been getting a lot of attention on the Intertubes. Lefties are celebrating it, righties are berating it, and it has started a lot of pissing contests, which is not only a waste of time, but the trophy is embarrassing.

My reaction isn’t based on my political ideology – I despise both the Democrats and the Republicans, and see very little difference in their core values. They both want to continue growing government, continue reducing our freedoms, and continue making even the most trivial personal decisions for us. My problem with this is that it sucks as satire.

In a world as bizarre as ours, it’s getting harder and harder to write satire, but it’s still not impossible. Good satire is subtle enough that, for at least a few seconds, you don’t realize it’s a put on. It sneaks up behind you, gently tickles you, and then snickers while it waits for you to get the joke. This thing hits you on the head with a 2×4 while screaming, “Get It! Do you Get it? How about now? Get it!” For three and a half minutes, over and over again.

My first response to this talentless, ham handed attempt and humor was to come up with a “I’m Voting Democrat” response (which would, of course, be almost as ham-handed as the original piece.) But a quick Googleing showed quite a few people beat me to it. Here are a few excerpts from articles and comments.

From Ben Shapiro at Town Hall

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that the best strategy in war is defeat. It broadens the mind to learn Japanese, German and Arabic. Talk about multiculturalism!

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that if I don’t have enough money, the solution is for the government to take more of my money. Who needs money when gas is $5 per gallon?

I’m voting Democrat because the real cure for racism includes preferential policies based on race — particularly in presidential voting. If you believe that a black candidate ought to be qualified, as well as black, you’re worse than Bull Conner.

I’m voting Democrat because everyone deserves crappy healthcare. Sure, you’ll have to wait years for that life-saving cancer surgery. But it’s first come, first served at the cemetery!

I’m voting Democrat because I believe in minority rights (except in Muslim countries), free speech (with regard to pornography but not conservative talk radio), environmentalism (unless we’re talking about Al Gore’s house) and diplomacy (but never backed by the threat of military force).

I’m voting Democrat because I like the words “hope” and “change.” Also “kazoo.” That’s a funny word.

Most of all, I’m voting Democrat because I like the ideas they have over in France, but I don’t feel like moving there. I’ll threaten to move, but I really won’t. After all, I have a good job, healthcare, lower taxes, free speech and a social framework that promotes family structure. And all of it is defended by the most effective fighting force on the planet.

And among the better comments to the article:

I am voting Democrat because I believe the government should be able to take my property and give it to some one else that promises to pay more taxes than I do.

I am voting Democrat because we should lock up all of our oil and never drill for any over here because it will ruin the environment and cause even more global warming. Besides we can always get more from our enemies.

I am voting democrat because I prefer to have everything handed to me, rather than actually working for it.

I am voting democrat because no one should make a profit.

I am voting democrat because I hate rich people, well, rich people that aren’t democrats. Well, for that matter, I hate poor that aren’t democrats too.

I am voting Democrat because I do not like the English Language and prefer being forced to Learn broken Spanish, Mexican, Guatemalan, ElSalvadoran, Farsi, and other exotic languages.

I’m voting democrat because I want Michelle Obama to be proud to be an American

I’m voting Democrat because after 17 years in higher education I realize it’s more important to give students an inflated and unjustified sense of self-esteem than teach them to read, write, or critically analyze anything.

I’m voting Democrat because I subscribe to the general notion that everyone – Hollywood, the media, all musicians, and Planned Parenthood care more about children than their parents do.

I’m voting Democrat because I don’t understand human nature OR economics, and I don’t want to.

I’m voting Democrat, because I loathe and mistrust big corporations, which are powerful entities run by people with lots of money, but I worship and trust big governments, which are powerful entities run by people with lots of money, guns, and the capacity to jail or execute you. I believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

I believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

I believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren’t.

I believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists who’ve never been outside of Seattle do.

Because one day, I will be a victim too.

Because I want smart people who worked hard all their life to pay for my bad choices and short comings I inflicted upon myself.
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I want to press #4 for English.

Because I am entitled to everyone else’s success, no matter how much harder they worked or how much more risk they took.

Because I am a victim of every earthly affliction.

Here’s some of the better responses to the Digg entry for this video

http://digg.com/political_opinion/I_m_voting_Republican

I’m voting Democrat because my money doesn’t belong to me, and should be used to provide “services” at the point of a gun.

I’m voting Democrat because I want to end big business, and all of the things in my life that rely on it.

I’m voting Democrat because I believe we can end the problems caused by Big Government by increasing the size of government.

I’m voting democrat because I want to be told which light bulbs I can buy.

I’m voting democrat because I want expanded government programs that create more government workers that will vote to expand government programs even further so that there will be more job security, and more government workers to vote the next time around.

I’m voting democrat because I’m white and insecure as to whether people think I’m a racist or not.

I’m voting democrat because Bush is Satan’s little devil spawn and all the hot hippie chicks hate him, and I don’t want to create thoughtful political dialog when we can Bush-bash instead.

From Argghhh!!

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that we don’t have nearly enough regulation of our commerce, health care and free speech. Especially, free speech. There are way too many people saying way too many things that just don’t jive with my political and personal beliefs. I think we should be able to use the government, the police, the courts and any ad hoc, un-elected, un-trained bureaucrats to point out and persecute people who don’t say or think the right things. We can call it a human rights commission. Wouldn’t that be ironic? But, everyone would take that super serious just because of the name and when they prescribe a thousand mea culpa’s on our knees for daring to note someone has a different color of eyes than all the other people, we’ll be so grateful it wasn’t worse.

It’s better to be poor and living off of welfare than to hurt Giaia’s feelings.

Finally, I am voting Democrat because I am almost absolutely positive that my television has been telling me to vote Democrat. Plus, all those cheering throngs chanting for Obama. I absolutely have to be part of the in crowd. Popularity is way better than hard work. Besides, I might get to see a rock concert by some mock Bolsheviks. Man, how often does that happen in one life time?

Yeah, I’m definitely voting Democrat this year.

And finally, excerpts from an older article along the same lines, from IowaHawk.

I am a Democrat because I believe everyone deserves a chance. And if necessary, a second chance. And if, by the eighth or ninth chance, this guy needs another chance, I mean, come on. This guy is due.

I am a Democrat because I believe in helping those in need. All of us, you and I, have an obligation to those less fortunate. You go first, okay? I’m a little short this week.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the equality of all people, regardless of their race. That is why I think we should give free medical degrees to minorities because, well, duh. Like any of those types are going to make it through medical school.

I am a Democrat because I hold sacred freedom of the press, as well as freedom of the TV and freedom of the movie. Where I draw the line is freedom of the talk radio, and don’t even get me started about that damn Internet business.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the rule of law. Or, at least, lawyers. Because hey, according to my attorney, I could have been on the Number 7 bus when it crashed yesterday. As far as you know.

I am a Democrat because I believe in a strong military. Strong, yes, but caring and thoughtful too, and ready to face new challenges. A military that enjoys long strolls on the beach, cuddling in front of a warm fire, unafraid to show its vulnerable side. Must be NS/DDF.

I am a Democrat because I… hey look! A new episode of Survivor! Geez, I hope they don’t vote off Jenna, she’s my favorite.

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1 Comment(s)

  1. I figured there would be this kind of response. It’s almost like that whole “Why Mommy’s A Democrat” children’s book thing all over again, isn’t it?

    Or are these kinds of things being written BY children in adult bodies?

    I had this to say on a regular forum I visit when somebody posted a link to the “I’m Voting Republican” video:

    That’s a pretty grotesque and misleading picture of what the republican party stands for.

    Don’t get me wrong, If I were an American I wouldn’t vote Republican…. but this kind of portrayal of their positions on the issues seems extremely unfair and makes the makers of this clip seem kind of like dicks.

    Parrot | Jun 21, 2008 | Reply

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