Quick Hitts

Recently the video “I’m Voting Republican ” has been getting a lot of attention on the Intertubes. Lefties are celebrating it, righties are berating it, and it has started a lot of pissing contests, which is not only a waste of time, but the trophy is embarrassing.

My reaction isn’t based on my political ideology – I despise both the Democrats and the Republicans, and see very little difference in their core values. They both want to continue growing government, continue reducing our freedoms, and continue making even the most trivial personal decisions for us. My problem with this is that it sucks as satire.

In a world as bizarre as ours, it’s getting harder and harder to write satire, but it’s still not impossible. Good satire is subtle enough that, for at least a few seconds, you don’t realize it’s a put on. It sneaks up behind you, gently tickles you, and then snickers while it waits for you to get the joke. This thing hits you on the head with a 2×4 while screaming, “Get It! Do you Get it? How about now? Get it!” For three and a half minutes, over and over again.

My first response to this talentless, ham handed attempt and humor was to come up with a “I’m Voting Democrat” response (which would, of course, be almost as ham-handed as the original piece.) But a quick Googleing showed quite a few people beat me to it. Here are a few excerpts from articles and comments.

From Ben Shapiro at Town Hall

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that the best strategy in war is defeat. It broadens the mind to learn Japanese, German and Arabic. Talk about multiculturalism!

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that if I don’t have enough money, the solution is for the government to take more of my money. Who needs money when gas is $5 per gallon?

I’m voting Democrat because the real cure for racism includes preferential policies based on race — particularly in presidential voting. If you believe that a black candidate ought to be qualified, as well as black, you’re worse than Bull Conner.

I’m voting Democrat because everyone deserves crappy healthcare. Sure, you’ll have to wait years for that life-saving cancer surgery. But it’s first come, first served at the cemetery!

I’m voting Democrat because I believe in minority rights (except in Muslim countries), free speech (with regard to pornography but not conservative talk radio), environmentalism (unless we’re talking about Al Gore’s house) and diplomacy (but never backed by the threat of military force).

I’m voting Democrat because I like the words “hope” and “change.” Also “kazoo.” That’s a funny word.

Most of all, I’m voting Democrat because I like the ideas they have over in France, but I don’t feel like moving there. I’ll threaten to move, but I really won’t. After all, I have a good job, healthcare, lower taxes, free speech and a social framework that promotes family structure. And all of it is defended by the most effective fighting force on the planet.

And among the better comments to the article:

I am voting Democrat because I believe the government should be able to take my property and give it to some one else that promises to pay more taxes than I do.

I am voting Democrat because we should lock up all of our oil and never drill for any over here because it will ruin the environment and cause even more global warming. Besides we can always get more from our enemies.

I am voting democrat because I prefer to have everything handed to me, rather than actually working for it.

I am voting democrat because no one should make a profit.

I am voting democrat because I hate rich people, well, rich people that aren’t democrats. Well, for that matter, I hate poor that aren’t democrats too.

I am voting Democrat because I do not like the English Language and prefer being forced to Learn broken Spanish, Mexican, Guatemalan, ElSalvadoran, Farsi, and other exotic languages.

I’m voting democrat because I want Michelle Obama to be proud to be an American

I’m voting Democrat because after 17 years in higher education I realize it’s more important to give students an inflated and unjustified sense of self-esteem than teach them to read, write, or critically analyze anything.

I’m voting Democrat because I subscribe to the general notion that everyone – Hollywood, the media, all musicians, and Planned Parenthood care more about children than their parents do.

I’m voting Democrat because I don’t understand human nature OR economics, and I don’t want to.

I’m voting Democrat, because I loathe and mistrust big corporations, which are powerful entities run by people with lots of money, but I worship and trust big governments, which are powerful entities run by people with lots of money, guns, and the capacity to jail or execute you. I believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

I believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

I believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren’t.

I believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists who’ve never been outside of Seattle do.

Because one day, I will be a victim too.

Because I want smart people who worked hard all their life to pay for my bad choices and short comings I inflicted upon myself.
.
I want to press #4 for English.

Because I am entitled to everyone else’s success, no matter how much harder they worked or how much more risk they took.

Because I am a victim of every earthly affliction.

Here’s some of the better responses to the Digg entry for this video

http://digg.com/political_opinion/I_m_voting_Republican

I’m voting Democrat because my money doesn’t belong to me, and should be used to provide “services” at the point of a gun.

I’m voting Democrat because I want to end big business, and all of the things in my life that rely on it.

I’m voting Democrat because I believe we can end the problems caused by Big Government by increasing the size of government.

I’m voting democrat because I want to be told which light bulbs I can buy.

I’m voting democrat because I want expanded government programs that create more government workers that will vote to expand government programs even further so that there will be more job security, and more government workers to vote the next time around.

I’m voting democrat because I’m white and insecure as to whether people think I’m a racist or not.

I’m voting democrat because Bush is Satan’s little devil spawn and all the hot hippie chicks hate him, and I don’t want to create thoughtful political dialog when we can Bush-bash instead.

From Argghhh!!

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that we don’t have nearly enough regulation of our commerce, health care and free speech. Especially, free speech. There are way too many people saying way too many things that just don’t jive with my political and personal beliefs. I think we should be able to use the government, the police, the courts and any ad hoc, un-elected, un-trained bureaucrats to point out and persecute people who don’t say or think the right things. We can call it a human rights commission. Wouldn’t that be ironic? But, everyone would take that super serious just because of the name and when they prescribe a thousand mea culpa’s on our knees for daring to note someone has a different color of eyes than all the other people, we’ll be so grateful it wasn’t worse.

It’s better to be poor and living off of welfare than to hurt Giaia’s feelings.

Finally, I am voting Democrat because I am almost absolutely positive that my television has been telling me to vote Democrat. Plus, all those cheering throngs chanting for Obama. I absolutely have to be part of the in crowd. Popularity is way better than hard work. Besides, I might get to see a rock concert by some mock Bolsheviks. Man, how often does that happen in one life time?

Yeah, I’m definitely voting Democrat this year.

And finally, excerpts from an older article along the same lines, from IowaHawk.

I am a Democrat because I believe everyone deserves a chance. And if necessary, a second chance. And if, by the eighth or ninth chance, this guy needs another chance, I mean, come on. This guy is due.

I am a Democrat because I believe in helping those in need. All of us, you and I, have an obligation to those less fortunate. You go first, okay? I’m a little short this week.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the equality of all people, regardless of their race. That is why I think we should give free medical degrees to minorities because, well, duh. Like any of those types are going to make it through medical school.

I am a Democrat because I hold sacred freedom of the press, as well as freedom of the TV and freedom of the movie. Where I draw the line is freedom of the talk radio, and don’t even get me started about that damn Internet business.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the rule of law. Or, at least, lawyers. Because hey, according to my attorney, I could have been on the Number 7 bus when it crashed yesterday. As far as you know.

I am a Democrat because I believe in a strong military. Strong, yes, but caring and thoughtful too, and ready to face new challenges. A military that enjoys long strolls on the beach, cuddling in front of a warm fire, unafraid to show its vulnerable side. Must be NS/DDF.

I am a Democrat because I… hey look! A new episode of Survivor! Geez, I hope they don’t vote off Jenna, she’s my favorite.

According to this article by Professor Richard Lynn, emeritus professor of psychology at Ulster University, the smarter a person is, the less likely they are to believe in a god

Lynn makes quite a few assumptions in his paper, which compares belief among academics to the general population. The idea that academics are smarter than the general population isn’t necessarily valid – not only are some academics completely incompetent, some who are brilliant in their field are complete dunces outside a classroom. A proper study would include a large sample size and carefully adjust for counfounders like as age, income level, and religious upbringing.

Then we have to consider if IQ is a valid way to measure intelligence. I like the theory that there are a lot of different kinds of intelligence. There are the obvious ones, like Math IQ and Language IQ, but there is also Music IQ, Social IQ, Physical IQ, and so on. I think there is even a Freedom IQ, which is marked by a disdain for authority and a lack of the all too common human tendency to bend at the knee.

But with all that in mind, I think the premise is sound, based on my own experience: I have never met a stupid atheist. They may have other undesirable personality traits, but stupid? Never.

It takes something special to become an Atheist in the US. Although we’re all born atheists, from the first moments we become aware of the world our culture bombards us with god stuff. God is in our music, our government, our art, on our money and in our pledge. You can’t even sneeze in public without someone automaticaly mentioning god. Theism infests our culture at every level.

It takes a certain kind of intelligence, and lots of it, to really look skeptically at what most of the country takes for granted. And concluding that the Christian god is no more real than the Greek or Roman or Viking gods takes more than just intelligence – it takes guts to deal with the inevitable fallout. Many people who need a sky-daddy to be good can’t even conceive of someone being moral without the threat of eternal torture. The result is Atheists are despised and distrusted by the ignorant, and there are a lot of ignorant sucking up oxygen. Admitting your atheism can cost you friends, it can cost a promotion (or even your job) and it often costs you your family. In the past twenty years I’ve spoken with my father, in total, for about 45 minutes. I left his cult when I was a young man, and so he is forbidden to speak with me. His god, Jehovah, is a nasty prick.

I’m not saying all religious people are stupid – I know some truly brilliant theists. But the number of mouth breathing atheists is approximately none and a substantial percentage of the very religious are blithering idiots, so when you average out the numbers atheists are going to be on the top of the heap.

When I first heard of the racial discrimination lawsuit against NASCAR I did an internal eye-roll and thought “here we go again.” Then I looked at the complaint – page after page of specific incidents that Mauricia Grant says happened to her while she was working. A few of them are silly – like the complaint that people were using profanity at the track. (Mechanics swearing? Oh me oh my.) But if even a fraction of her other allegations are true she was treated horribly, and really did suffer from racial discrimination.

I felt a little guilty that my initial reaction was to brush off the complaint as yet another ridiculous claim. But I forgave myself about five seconds later; there were good reasons for the reaction.

While real racism will aways exist, far too many people have made non-existent racism their favorite tool.

The most obvious, of course, are the professional race baiters. Al Sharpton has made a very nice living at it. Jessie Jackson has turned it into a profitable career. Spike Lee recently used it to get back in the public eye. Some academics teach their students that there’s no need to ask if a white person is racist – they just are, no investigating is necessary.

Limbaugh defines a racist as anyone who wins an argument with a liberal. I’ve found this especially predominant in online forums. Back a lefty into a corner, and sooner or later (usually sooner) they’ll pull out the race card. If you don’t like Affirmative Action, you’re a racist. (Which is ironic, because it is a racist program.) If you don’t like Islam, you’re a racist. (Point out that Islam isn’t a race and they’ll insist your dislike of a barbaric superstition proves you hate Arabs.) Oppose a poorly thought out government plan that is supposed to help the poor and, yep, you guessed, some lefty wanker will make a comment about you hating brown people.

Far too many minorities are wired to look for racism everywhere, and find it whether it exists or not. I’ve run into this a few times myself.

I was driving down the streets of Schenectady on a Sunday afternoon, bringing my daughter to a piano recital. An elderly black man was waiting to cross the street, and I stopped and motioned him across. He waved it off, and motioned for me to continue. I did, parked the car, and when I got out he had corssed the street and was walking nearby. He said, “Thank you, but I don’t walk in front of cars.” I said, “I can understand that, but I don’t run over people.” He got upset, and said “What do you mean, you people. I’m a man just like you!” I sputtered a bit. “I didn’t say you people, I said people!” But he was on a roll. He didn’t hear what I really said, and was sure I had made a racial comment. Frustrated, I took my kid inside to her recital, feeling bad about something I wasn’t the least bit guilty of.

Several years ago I was traveling through Utica and we stopped at a Pizza place. I was in the passenger seat, and when I got out I admired the tricked out Mustang parked next to me, not noticing the man sitting behind the wheel. We started into the place when I said to my wife “Hold on, we forgot to lock the car.” We went back, locked it, and as I shut my door I looked into the eyes of the young back man sitting behind the wheel of the mustang. The anger in his eyes was palpable – he was seething. I could almost feel his thoughts – whitey was locking his car because there was a black man parked next to it. In fact I hadn’t noticed him before, but I’m sure the incident was entered in his mental book of racial slights.

So minorities, when a white person brushes off claims of racism, don’t get upset. If it weren’t for the endless race bating and constant stream of false accusations, most of us would take such claims a lot more seriously.

(As I was posting this I realized that the title of this post could be considered racist, because “boy” used to be used to put down black men. If that was your reaction, you’re part of the problem.)

You’ve probably seen those commercials where people with vastly different politics are sitting on a couch in front of the ocean preaching about Global Warming. (Pronounced so you can hear the capital letters.) The creepiest/most disgusting of them is the one that pairs Al Sharpton with Pat Robertson.

Let’s break this down. Al Sharpton came to prominence with the Tawana Brawley case. Tawana had been partying for four days and tried to cover her tracks by smearing feces on herself and crawling into a garbage bag. (Old Joke: Did you hear about the new Tawana Brawley burger? It comes in a plastic bag and you put your own shit on it.) Sharpton showed up and proceeded to fling his own poo all over the place, starting what was to be a life long career of race bating. This wasn’t too far from my neck of the woods, and the racial tensions Al created were palpable. After a grand jury proved that Tawana was literally a lying sack of shit, she fled the state with $300,000 that had been contributed by her supporters. She then converted to Islam and changed her name to Maryam Muhammad.

Al was sued by the cops he smeared, lost the lawsuit, and has never paid a dime of the judgment against him. A master showman, he continues to contribute to the deterioration of race relations in the US.

Pat Robertson is one of the best known evangelical Christians in the US. He lied about his military service, claiming to have seen combat. The men who served with him say he never saw combat, and his primary job was to bring them beer. In 1976 he proclaimed that the apocalypse would come in October of 1982. The most significant thing that happened that month was the introduction of Double Stuff Oreos, which are delicious.

So I’m supposed to believe in Global Warming based on the proclamations of these two holy dirtbags? And since Robertson has claimed, many times, to be able to control the weather with his prayers, why should we be concerned? He can solve the crisis simply by spending a few minutes on his knees.

Visitors to The Facts send a lot of e-mail. Half of the writers love the site and say thanks, the other half hates it, hates smokers, hates freedom of choice, and especially, hates me.

The fan mail is pretty varied. Some people like the stats pages, some like the study analysis, some like the list of business hurt by smoking bans and some praise the whole site.

The hate mail is all pretty much the same. It’s so predictable and unimaginative I could create a standard generic reply to use for all of them. The grammar is usually atrocious. Scatological references abound. About half of them are full of multiple exclamation points and question marks. Lousy formatting is common. Many are from anonymous accounts. All of them are smug and self righteous.

Here’s a typical one, which arrived last night. I haven’t changed the formatting or edited it in any way.

– – –
From: No Name <fozzy1985@hotmail.com>
To: hittman@davehitt.com
Date: Fri, May 30, 2008 at 1:26 AM
Subject: The Facts

What is funny.
How much ‘proof’ that is necessary to prove Second Hand smoke isn’t harmful.

Well you know what – it probably isn’t. But it stinks VERY bad.
Next time you are at a restaurant imaging a pile of dog crap sitting on your neighbors plate – and the smell is ‘blowing’ in your direction.
Sniff— mmm that would be VERY appetizing.

When I was a kid a Credit Union had a very thought provoking sign.

“So, you like to smoke. The by-product is it pilfers my hair and clothes.
I like to drink beer. The by-product of that is urinating.
So how about I drink and I urinate on your hair & clothing?”

Makes a great point, but two sentences aren’t enough to make a change.

Dave.

– – –

My Reply:

Nice grammar. What school you went?

Most children go through a scatological phase, when they are fascinated with pee and poop. It usually starts around age three and is over by age five.

However, based on the e-mails I regularly receive from your ilk, it’s clear that the majority of nicotine nannies never grow up. They are as obsessed with bodily functions as a three year old. At least half of the e-mail I get from your ilk has references to peeing in a pool, farting in your face, shitting in your salad, etc.

This provides a great insight into your mind set. You’re pathetically immature little children. No wonder you love nanny government. You need it; you’re not grown up enough to take care of yourself.

Retards,

Dave Hitt

– – –

On a related note, I’ve done some significant upgrading to the “Ban Links” page on The Facts. The original pages were far too long, disorganized, difficult to search, and cumbersome for me to maintain. I had five pages, each about twelve screens long. They contained about 200 articles about business that had been harmed (many to the point of closing) by smoking bans.

So I converted them all to a WordPress blog format, and had someone design a WP theme to match the layout of The Facts. Now they articles are easy to search, every post is categorized, and it’s easy for me to keep it updated. The stories from the original pages are in there and I’m working my way through a backlog of newer stories.

Here are the original pages. Here’s the new one. Let me know what you think.

Just a wild guess: This guy is not a liberal.

Click to Enlarge and Enjoy

(Possibly NSFW)

The latest Quick Hitts Podcast is available for your listening pleasure.  “Going Out of Business” is a list of government agencies that need to be shut down.  Although this show is twice as long as most QH Podcasts, I only covered a fraction of the agencies we need to get rid of.

Feel free to leave your comments.