The latest terrorist attempt to bring down a plane proves, beyond any doubt, that the TSA’s security theater is useless.  This guy was already on their watch list but that didn’t even slow him down.  (The watch list has, however, caused a lot of perfectly innocent people, including infants, from getting on a plane, because in their brilliance the TSA only goes by names, evidently unaware that many people share the same name.  Even uncommon names are shared by many people.  For instance, I always thought my name was pretty unique, but there are over 20 people on Facebook named Dave Hitt.)

Hardened cockpit doors and passengers who are now willing to subdue any attempts at hijacking are all the security we need.  Still, people want to feel secure, so the solution is simple: dissolve the TSA and let each airline design and publicize their own security measures.  Passengers then could decide which level of security they’re comfortable with and pick the appropriate airline.  Here are a few suggestions to get them started.

Totally Safe Airlines – Passengers have to book their tickets a month in advance and be completely vetted by a private security firm before being allowed to board.  The security firm would check their religious affiliation (of course), their political views, their friends and acquaintances, and anything they’ve said or done on the internet.  Just before they board each passenger would be subjected to a strip search, including a body cavity search.

Funny Eyes

Bacon and a Kiss Airlines – Penn Jillette came up with this one, which capitalizes on the fact that most terrorists are members of a religion that’s paranoid about pork and insanely homophobic.  There are no searches required. There would be a man and a woman at the gate.  Each would be completely naked and holding a plate of bacon.  Getting on board is simple – passengers just have to eat a piece of bacon and lightly kiss the genitals of the attendant whose gender matches theirs.

Fatalist Airlines – In keeping with their motto “When You’re Time Comes, It Comes,” Fatalist Airlines lets everyone on without checking anything.

Seriously Funny Eyes

Libertarian Airlines – Passengers bringing their own guns on board would be required to certify their bullets were frangible. (Frangible bullets  shatter when they hit anything harder than flesh, so they won’t penetrate airplane walls or windows)  Passengers without a gun will be given one.

Funny Eyes Airlines – The one thing all terrorists all have in common is funny eyes.  FEA would simply deny flights to anyone with funny eyes.  Although this might discriminate against a few innocent people, it will virtually guarantee each flight is terrorist free.