Totally Safe Airlines

The latest terrorist attempt to bring down a plane proves, beyond any doubt, that the TSA’s security theater is useless.  This guy was already on their watch list but that didn’t even slow him down.  (The watch list has, however, caused a lot of perfectly innocent people, including infants, from getting on a plane, because in their brilliance the TSA only goes by names, evidently unaware that many people share the same name.  Even uncommon names are shared by many people.  For instance, I always thought my name was pretty unique, but there are over 20 people on Facebook named Dave Hitt.)

Hardened cockpit doors and passengers who are now willing to subdue any attempts at hijacking are all the security we need.  Still, people want to feel secure, so the solution is simple: dissolve the TSA and let each airline design and publicize their own security measures.  Passengers then could decide which level of security they’re comfortable with and pick the appropriate airline.  Here are a few suggestions to get them started.

Totally Safe Airlines – Passengers have to book their tickets a month in advance and be completely vetted by a private security firm before being allowed to board.  The security firm would check their religious affiliation (of course), their political views, their friends and acquaintances, and anything they’ve said or done on the internet.  Just before they board each passenger would be subjected to a strip search, including a body cavity search.


Funny Eyes

Bacon and a Kiss Airlines – Penn Jillette came up with this one, which capitalizes on the fact that most terrorists are members of a religion that’s paranoid about pork and insanely homophobic.  There are no searches required. There would be a man and a woman at the gate.  Each would be completely naked and holding a plate of bacon.  Getting on board is simple – passengers just have to eat a piece of bacon and lightly kiss the genitals of the attendant whose gender matches theirs.

Fatalist Airlines – In keeping with their motto “When You’re Time Comes, It Comes,” Fatalist Airlines lets everyone on without checking anything.


Seriously Funny Eyes

Libertarian Airlines – Passengers bringing their own guns on board would be required to certify their bullets were frangible. (Frangible bullets  shatter when they hit anything harder than flesh, so they won’t penetrate airplane walls or windows)  Passengers without a gun will be given one.

Funny Eyes Airlines – The one thing all terrorists all have in common is funny eyes.  FEA would simply deny flights to anyone with funny eyes.  Although this might discriminate against a few innocent people, it will virtually guarantee each flight is terrorist free.

5 Comment(s)

  1. You left out two others:

    Totally Naked Airlines – pretty self-explanatory.
    Knockout Gas Airlines – Also self-explanatory.

    Come to think of it, if you institute the first, you’d almost have to institute the second to avoid undue stress.

    johnny virgil | Dec 29, 2009 | Reply

  2. Dave,
    Good Ideas, but the “frangible” bullets are not necessary since the Myth Busters determined that even under pressure a bullet piercing the skin of the plane will not cause a blowout like they show in the movies. I have a suggestion, C.O.D. Airlines, they don’t get paid till you reach your destination…


    Brian Riley | Dec 30, 2009 | Reply

  3. I’m with Brian, frangiables should be optional.

    But if there were two Libertarian airlines, I’d probably pick the one the required a very basic, one time marksmanship/safety test to carry in the air. Of course there should be generous exemptions for almost any proof you aren’t flying Air Liberty just because of the price or schedule. No restriction on other weapons of course.

    Kneil | Dec 30, 2009 | Reply

  4. Brian, I’m a huge Mythbusters fan and forgot about that episode. However, you still wouldn’t want a bullet going through a fuel like, hydraulics, or electronics, so you’s want to stick with bullets that won’t penetrate anything other than terrorists.

    Hittman | Jan 3, 2010 | Reply

  5. Dave,
    Modern aircraft are highly redndant and at least some frangiable ammo manufactures are exagerting the performance of their ammo (check out the box o’ truth). As I recall the Feds are still packing JHPs on airplanes…

    But if pigs learn to fly and they let us carry on jets, I’d certainly consider an exotic load since it is all about safety. I’d just want to see some proof that it was worth the $2-5 per round that they tend to charge.

    Kneil | Jan 5, 2010 | Reply

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