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Florida Lawmakers Go Into the Crapper

People who despise the nanny state will sometimes say, “pretty soon the government is going tell us how to wipe our ass.”

Florida has come one step closer to making that a reality, with a proposed law mandating that restaurants always have enough toilet paper on hand.  But they aren’t defining “enough.” Would this mean that greasy spoons, chili parlors and Taco Bells must legally have more T. P. available than, say, a steak house?

If this passes the next step is inevitable.  In a few years Floridians will will see a new notice under the “Employee’s Must Wash Hands” sign:

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4 Comment(s)

  1. isn’t that backwards? it should be front to back. that’s how I was always taught.

    Arnie | Mar 20, 2008 | Reply

  2. Arnie you heathen!

    GET ‘IM BOYS!!!

    *LYNCH MOB FORMS*

    Parrot | Mar 21, 2008 | Reply

  3. Arnie, you are correct. However, we have to remember that we’re dealing with the government here. First someone will point out the error. Then the DOH (was there ever a more appropriate acronym?) will disagree. Then they’ll commission a sixteen million dollar study to determine the best wiping direction, then a twenty million dollar study to determine if that one is valid.

    Five years later, when the studies are completed, they’ll spend six million dollars printing and distributing the new signs, and impose heavy fines on anyone who doesn’t replace the old ones with the new ones. Finally, it will cost a hundred and twenty million to retrain the Wiping Monitors, those with the job of observing people in the stalls to see if they wipe in the correct direction. (And you think you have a bad job.) They will also receive counseling to help deal with the derision heaped on them by the public in the form of nasty nicknames. (Ass Pirates, Rectum Wranglers, Anus Inspectors, Posterior Posse, Ducie Detectors, Wipe Witnesses, Dingleberry Detectors, Crap Contemplaters, The Crack Team, Mudbutt Monitors and Shitspys, to name a few.)

    Hittman | Mar 21, 2008 | Reply

  4. I had a health teacher in HS who *very seriously* told the class that it should be front-to-back. He seemed to think this was very important.
    For what it’s worth, I can see the value in making sure restaurants have enough TP (imagine eating in a restaurant with no TP and no soap. Not for me, but the cooks). But they already have health inspections, right? You’d think they could just add another list item. Having worked in food service during an inspection, I’m sure the inspector’s response would be “I’ll be back next week to see if you’ve cleaned the blood off the walls. Oh, and get some TP.”

    Dan Pearson | Apr 1, 2008 | Reply

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