Things I’ve Learned From Old People

I’m not quite ready to admit to being old, but I can see it on the horizon, getting closer with each passing birthday.  The signs are unmistakable – I’m stiffer and slower than before (and I was never very speedy in the first place).  I’ve caught myself making old man noises when I sit down.  (Vocal, not farts.)  If I didn’t dye my beard it would be Santa Claus white.  (I use “Just for Dave.”)  Although I can still party late into the night, recovery the next day takes much longer.

Since oldness will arrive sooner than I’d like, I’ve been watching old people to see how I should behave when I get there.

After spending two years trying to find another IT job I’ve given up and gone back to my first career: selling.  You know those annoying pitch men doing road shows at your local warehouse stores?  Yeah, that.  It’s not only fun and lucrative; it gives me the opportunity to watch lots of old people in action.  Here are a few things I’ve learned.

If your shopping cart doesn’t fit between two things, back up and jam it forward again.  And again and again and again.  Eventually enough things will fall down for you to get through.  Oh, and be sure to bitch while you’re doing it.

When cruising the parking lot always look to the left and the right, but never straight ahead.  This is good practice for highway driving.

When a pitchman is in the middle of his pitch walk up to the booth and loudly demand “How Much Is It?”  When the pitchman says “I’ll answer that in just a minute sir” raise your raspy voice even louder and say “I want to know right now!”  When the pitchman says “just one moment, sir,” yell, “You just lost a sale” and storm off.  Then run your cart into a display of cherry tomatoes and curse as they scatter all over the floor.  Ignore the crowd that’s laughing at you.

I’m not old enough to do any of those things now, but I’ll get there.  I’m almost looking forward to it.

1 Comment(s)

  1. That’s the only benefit to being old. You can just not give a shit about social convention and be a rude old bastard. Most people wont punch out someone using a walker.

    Johnny Virgil | Sep 5, 2010 | Reply

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