TSA Naked Day

Since it was formed The Theatrical Security Agency has been trying to figure out just how much crap Americans will tolerate before they say “screw it, I’m driving.”  They have heaped inconvenience upon stupidity upon insult upon indignantly, and still we keep flying.  But they may have finally achieved their goal with their full body scanners and the alternative pat down, which gives you a choice between being an amateur porn star or being or being sexually molested by a ham handed uniformed pervert.

People are finally saying “enough!”  At least, some people are.  (I just saw someone on Facebook cheering the new policy.  Where do these gutless drones breed?) There have been some protests and lawsuit threats, and there is a planed Opt Out day – the day before Thanksgiving.  But the guy promoting Opt-Out day says get the pat-down instead – which is a mistake.  We need to opt out of the nude photos AND the pat down, and gum the works up as much as possible.

But there may be better approaches.  Not surprisingly, I have a few suggestions.

One for men only: Consider that many of the TSA agents are wannabe cops who took the job to prove they’re tough manly men.  Refuse the pictures, then during the pat down go all Big Gay Al on them.  Twitch and moan with delight at each touch.  When he touches your privates fake a big, and very loud, orgasm.

One for Adolescents: Find a freedom loving police officer (they’re extremely rare, but are rumored to exist) and an adventurous friend your own age.  One of you goes through the scanner, the other goes for the pat down. Have the officer immediately arrest the scanner operator for kiddie porn and the TSA drone doing the pat down for molestation.

Neither of those are likely to be very effective, so here’s one for everybody:  Since the TSA wants to see us naked, let’s give them what they want.  Let’s pick a date, preferably a busy time.  Rather than muck up everyone’s travel on the day before Thanksgiving, do it on the Sunday afterward, when people are coming home.  Not only won’t they mind the inconvenience as much, but they’ll be tired and grumpy and stuffed and looking about as bad as they ever look, which is an important part of the plan.

On Sunday, November 28, everyone who steps in line for the check in should immediately remove every single piece of clothing.

If you think this might be titillating, the next time you’re in a crowd take a good look at the people around you.  How may would you honestly like to see naked – maybe 5%?  What about the remaining 95%?  How about that old guy with the man boobs (like me)?  How about that old lady whose breasts are peaking out under the hem of her skirt and whose legs look like a map of the NYC subway system?  What about that morbidly obese woman who’s entire body jiggles and ripples with each step, making it look like she’s smuggling a dozen enormous water balloons?  How much would you pay to avoid seeing any of them naked?

Now imagine a room full of people looking like that, all standing buck naked and demanding pat down’s instead of body scans.  Imagine the look on the face of the TSA agents as they run from the room, trying to keep their lunch down.

These government officials want theater?  Then let’s give them the nude scene from Hair, but instead of attractive young actors let them deal with an endless line of naked people who no one wants to see nude.

And then do it again the following Sunday.  And the Sunday after that.  And keep doing it until most of the agents decide that any job, even getting carts in the rain in the Target parking lot, is a better career choice.

12 Comment(s)

  1. Awesome idea with the nakedness. G-strings and pasties for nipples will keep you away from indecent exposure charges, and still have the intended effect. Time to find a g-string that fits!

    EG | Nov 18, 2010 | Reply

  2. Maybe the Big Gay Al bit would work better if I pop a Viagra an hour or so before getting in line?

    TimS | Nov 18, 2010 | Reply

  3. Good idea, Tim. “Oh pleeese, pleeeesssse touch my junk! Ooooo, do it again, you sthilly boy.”

    Hittman | Nov 18, 2010 | Reply

  4. I do chainmaille for a hobby. I’ve been considering making chainmaille boxers for when I go to fly, and see what they do about that. Would they force me to strip in front of everyone?
    Or instead of boxers, just cut open a coke can and shape it into an image of “flipping the bird” and putting it in my pants in front of my junk.
    There’s all sorts of ways to play with the scanner folks. Wear an undershirt with words on it made of foil.

    24601 | Nov 20, 2010 | Reply

  5. You might enjoy these pieces of clothing on the otherwise naked bodies: http://cargocollective.com/4thamendment

    Mikael | Nov 25, 2010 | Reply

  6. If the TSA seriously thinks it can out-will people on this issue, I look forward to seeing them try to implement this in the NYC subways. They’ve no frigging idea what they’re up against when it comes to East Coast commuters.


    Ashley | Nov 25, 2010 | Reply

  7. Hey, any day that is a naked day is a good day.

    Laura Ross | Nov 30, 2010 | Reply

  8. Have any of you actually seen the pictures from these body scanners? I have, and they can hardly be classified as pornographic. In fact, here are a couple links:




    Seriously, if you’re getting off to THAT, then someone needs to tell you about internet porn.

    Bottom-line, the people looking at the monitors are not seeing a naked picture of you, they are seeing if anything a mildly disturbing picture of what you would look like if you were a burn victim with half your skin melted off. Secondly, the guards choosing people to go through the scanners never see the pictures. Those people are in a separate room who give a yay or nay signal, so a guard who hopes to get his rocks off by picking that hot girl in line to get a nude shot of is going to be out of luck anyway.

    Honestly I don’t get what the big freaking deal is. When you go to the doctors office you let the guy touch your balls and shove cold metal objects up your ass when you turn 40. Should we start suing THEM for sexual harassment? This whole thing reminds me if that Family Guy where Peter goes for a prostate examination and ends up running through the streets crying with his pants around his ankles.

    Brian | Dec 3, 2010 | Reply

  9. When I go to a doctor he’s looking at me naked for a good reason, and with my permission. He’s also had a dozen years of education and training so he can provide me with useful information.

    TSA agents, on the other hand, get one week of training and they are doing absolutely nothing useful. They’re are doing things that would get them arrested if they did them anywhere else.

    The bottom line is Big Brother shouldn’t be giving us the choice between being providing them with fuzzy porn pictures or being molested to get on a plane. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

    Dave Hitt | Dec 3, 2010 | Reply

  10. My doctor has also passed a criminal background check and is guaranteed to not be on the sex offender registry. Depending on which airport you pass through, you’re not assured of that. Also:

    “[I]n 2004, the Department of Homeland Security (which includes TSA) released a report that stated that TSA had allowed some screeners to perform their duties before their criminal background checks were complete, and allowed others to continue working while problems with their background checks were resolved. Even if this problem no longer exists for current applicants and employees, a more serious problem may be that the current system of background checks may have allowed those convicted of rape and other sexually based offenses to join TSA.” (http://www.airsafenews.com/2010/11/is-tsa-allowing-convicted-rapists-to.html)

    Bear in mind that TSA employees are only subjected to a standard FBI background check, which covers the past 10 years. If a non-felony was committed prior to that, the TSA doesn’t know and doesn’t care.

    Ashley | Dec 3, 2010 | Reply

  11. Another way to mess with the TSA drones involves a Snickers bar, a microwave, and underwear. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

    TimS | Dec 7, 2010 | Reply

  12. I dunno? Though some of these suggestions are clever I wonder if the result might not be being charged with “Interfering in the duties of a Federal officer? Of course everyone acting in concert would throw a considerable monkey wrench into the works. I believe where it would immediately fail in its application is Muslims would not participate and is not Islam the fomenter and cause of our present inconvenience?
    Already it is being published they are desiring to implement new attacks by means unable to be easily detected, specially treated undergarments, the so called breast bombs, and explosives inserted into the lower bowel or implanted into abdomens or into animals transported in cargo holds.
    In the end, it amounts only to going through the motions. It gives a sense of security, but it is a false sense of security.
    What are you going to do when you get an Islamic pilot as those poor unfortunates did in the intentional crashing of a 767 into the ocean back in October of 1999. To be fair it is said, “Suicide is rare in Egypt. The grand mufti – an interpreter of Muslim law – of Cairo, Nasser Farid Wassel, told the Egyptian media on Thursday that all the evidence compiled by the American investigators only suggests that Batouti “has seen death coming and could do nothing about it.” Of course, in less than two years, that theory would be put to test.
    Source here: http://www4.in.tum.de/~lochmann/debkaall/2010-10-08-14-40-31/
    Lending credibility to Batouti’s intentional act is the fact that he, as the majority of Egyptians are, was Sunni Muslim, even as Osama Bin Laden. The army of Egypt is predominately Sunni and as recent as June this year created no small disturbance in the killing of Shiites (Which by the way are Muslim, too).
    Obama backs the Sunni government of Morsi in Egypt, which in turn is supported by the Muslim Brotherhood.
    The TSA debacle is the least of anyone’s worries.
    Guess who they have on staff, we are after all an “Equal opportunity employer.”
    You can stand around naked if you want.

    Gary Bovey | Nov 5, 2013 | Reply

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