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Yet Another list of Things Atheists Didn’t Do

Gunther Link, 45, was stuck in an elevator.  As soon as he was rescued he ran to church to thank his God.  His God then crushed him under an 860 pound stone altar.  That God dude is such a practical joker. An atheist would have thanked his rescuers instead.

God also sent 117 people to the hospital via contaminated holy water.

Allah is has the same sense of humor.  When one of his followers, who was obviously not an atheist, insisted on wearing a head covering at a go-cart track, he rewarded her by strangling her with it.  What a jokester!

It looks like Pakistan is going to be calling for the execution of Facebook operator Mark Zuckerberg.  He allowed the “draw a picture of Mohamed day” page to stay up, so the Religion of Peace wants him killed.

A month after the earthquake a Haitian couple tried to get married.  Christian evangelicals, not atheists, helpfully attacked them with rocks, because it was a pagan wedding.

An African mob burned down a home, putting a family of nine on the street, because they believed they were witches.

John Smith has more imagination than the parents who named him.  He fired Jammie Harms because her fetus was hostile toward him, and was projecting negative energy.  His psychic confirmed his suspicions.  He did try to resolve it by going to a chiropractor/energy worker, but that didn’t work out, so he canned her.

Christians and Muslims in Nigeria enjoyed a three day riot that left dozens dead.  Perhaps they were arguing about whose god was more loving.  The last atheist riot was. . . um. . .never.

A US military supplier of very sophisticated gun sights inscribed each one with a scripture.  Surprisingly, when it was revealed, they stopped doing it.

Who needs 72 virgins?  This Israeli “Messiah” is happy with a mere 17.  Or maybe 30.  He’s too busy to count them, and the approximately 60 kids he appears to have fathered.  Note the Funny Eyes.

What do you do when the church says your mom is a witch?  Slit her throat, of course. (Funny eyes, again.)

The Pope warned Africans that use of condoms would increase the spread of AIDS because. . . because he’s an idiot, I guess.  There’s no other explanation.

Hasidic Jews, not atheists, staged a riot outside an Intel factory in Israel, because it operated on the Sabbath.  They attacked cars, yelled insults, and spit.  And if you’ve ever listened to them pronounce words like chutzpah and Hasidim you know they can generate serious amounts of phlegm.

A Christian Theater group, whose website says they’re “Dedicated to providing drama that is overshadowed by the truth and power of God and His Word, the Bible,”  is asking for nearly a half million dollars of taxpayer money to fund their silliness.  Evidently God is a little short of cash at the moment.

The Catholic Church, still refusing to admit their blame in aiding and abetting child rape, once again claimed that it was the fault of homosexuals, not pedophiles.  (Note: Every week there are literally dozens of new stories about catholic priests raping children and the church making increasingly lame excuses for it.  I’ve opted to bypass most of them, because there’s only so much space on my web host’s hard drives.)

Every Friday afternoon Muslims mob several streets in Paris, shutting down businesses.  They’ve even got their own faux security guards to keep anyone else out of the area.

If you’re broken someone jaw in the UK, simply find a ditzy judge who will let you go because you’re a Muslim.

If you’re Muslim, better avoid watching soccer.  If your own family doesn’t kill you the religious police might.  Atheists can watch soccer if they want to, but most American atheists don’t, because it’s lame.

If your six week old baby, who you’ve named Faith Lovemore, is crying, just stuff bible pages in her mouth until she stops breathing.  That will calm her right down.  Daddy was a religious whack job too.  (Once again, seriously funny eyes.)  Poor kid.  If she only had been born to atheist parents. . .

As always, this is just a small percentage of stories I’ve gathered since the last TADD post.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I couldn’t find enough material to do another one?

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7 Comment(s)

  1. Atheists, being human, do plenty of stupid things. But one thing they’ve never done, that Catholics have (and probably still do) is run a world-wide pedophile ring for *decades* and then insult the victims who come forward.

    I know what I believe too, but you can change that. All you have to do is show me some good solid evidence that what I believe is wrong, and I’ll change my mind. Reluctantly and probably slowly, but my mind can be changed by facts.

    Do you consider it a virtue that no one can change your mind?

    Hittman | Sep 3, 2011 | Reply

  2. Actually, that is EXACTLY what Catholics do. Except their only source is a 2000+ year old book written by goat herders in the desert. Unless you’re saying it’s polite to say that all humans are doomed from birth to spend eternity being tortured in fire if we don’t believe what that book says?

    Heidi | Sep 3, 2011 | Reply

  3. There will always be stupid people, if you take religion away, they’ll find another excuse for their craziness. Religion isn’t violent, people are.

    Atheism is fine, until it gets just as annoying as any other overly religious person trying to impose their beliefs and view on others.

    To each their own, I don’t care what people believe, as long as they practice peace and tolerance.

    Sarah | Sep 18, 2011 | Reply

  4. Oh, and what’s the source for the Israeli
    Messiah and the virgins? I don’t even know where that’s from or what it’s about!

    Sarah | Sep 18, 2011 | Reply

  5. Religion isn’t violent? Read the bible much? No…

    I suppose guns don’t kill, people do? Ah, but they use guns to kill with!

    “Atheism is fine, until it gets just as annoying as any other overly religious person trying to impose their beliefs and view on others.”

    Well now Sarah, atheism isn’t a religious person let alone a religion. It also isn’t a belief system. Nor do atheists try to shove things down the throats of others, unlike religion.

    “Oh, and what’s the source for the Israeli
    Messiah and the virgins? I don’t even know where that’s from or what it’s about!”

    Tell me, did you gnaw through the restraints and find an unlocked computer somewhere? I’m fascinated!

    bobby | Sep 18, 2011 | Reply

  6. Too much effort to click on a pesky link, I guess. Clicking on the link would inform Sarah that…

    Israeli police have arrested a self-styled Jewish sage and disciplinarian who ran a tightly controlled cult of at least 17 women with whom they believe he fathered dozens of children.

    …and that it’s from…

    Rory McCarthy in Jerusalem
    guardian.co.uk, Thursday 14 January 2010 14.16 EST

    Heidi | Sep 18, 2011 | Reply

  7. Very few atheists are obnoxious about it, but sometimes we have no choice.

    I’ve said this many times in many venues – I don’t care what your religion is, but more importantly, I don’t want to care. If you’re doing your thing based on some beleif I consider silly, so what?

    But there are things I have to care about, because they involve me or friends or innocent people or my money. And when the religious cross the line and start demanding legislation to appease them or that superstition be taught in science class or a dozen other nasty things they do, then I have to care. And because I don’t want to care, but now have to, you’ve pissed me off. That’s when, and why, I get nasty.

    Hittman | Sep 19, 2011 | Reply

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