This story, which appeared in the Santa Fe Craig’s List but has since been removed, is even funnier if you know that JW’s are very, very afraid of  Smurf dolls.  Although they’re not banned by official doctrine, Witnesses have several urban legends about Smurf dolls walking into Kingdom Halls and swearing, magically re-appearing in shopping carts after being removed, and demonizing their kids.

The poor fools in this story didn’t realize their cats were smarter than they are, and were trying to save them from a life of misery.

Date: 2009-03-07, 11:10AM MST

My husband and I adopted two wonderful kittens from our local animal shelter a little over a year ago. They developed into truly beautiful and loving cats that are sweet and love attention. Both cats never gave us a bit of trouble until sometime around three months ago when they found a little blue smurf toy outside somewhere and brought it into our house. They loved playing with this toy and soon both cats were taking turns carrying it around and sleeping at night with it. We didn’t really think anything strange about this until a week or two later when some Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on our door and offered us a free Bible Study. During their visit, both cats were both running around the house, visibly upset and whining. While we had never observed this before, we figured they somehow were having a bad hairball day and just wrote it off as such.

The following week, when the Jehovah’s Witnesses returned to teach us the rules and regulations of their church, the cats were even more upset and naughty. Mamasan, the dark stripped short hair snuck inside the ministers open briefcase while he was here and shit in it. Our other cat, Squirt went right up to him when he was sitting at the table and bit him hard on his ankle. When he yelped from the pain, Squirt went over and scratched the other JW fellow on the leg and ran off. We had to put both cats in the bedroom because they were growling and making hissing sounds at them. We have never seen this type of behavior from our cats as they normally enjoy the company of people and are very friendly.

We saw no further incidents in bad kitty behavior until the following day when they climbed up on the bookshelf during the night and pulled out the Watchtower literature and knocked it on the floor. I noticed teeth marks on the JW Bible and a few torn pages from their claws. A few days later, I noticed the Watchtower magazine left with us was missing off the coffee table and I discovered it in one of the cat litter boxes, torn and smeared with dung.

The following week, when the two JW’s returned for the Bible Study, we told them about what our cats had done and they explained that our cats were demonized and that we should immediately give them away. My husband told them that this was ridiculous and that we had no intention of giving them to anyone but we would make sure they stayed in the bedroom when the JW’s visited. This was acceptable to the JW’s but they asked God during the prayer to keep the cats away from them.

As we put any JW literature in a closed section of the bookcase so the cats couldn’t get at it, we had no further problems except loud meowing when the JW’s came by for a visit. One of the JW’s asked us if the cats had been mistreated by someone or if anything unusual had happened and the only thing we could think of was their little Blue Smurf doll that the cats loved to play with and told the JW’s about it. Well, they told us this unbelievable story about a toy Smurf that walked right into their Kingdom Hall one day and was screaming insults at everyone present. They said someone actually ran into their storage room and got a shovel and repeatedly hit the Smurf until it stopped. They said that Smurfs are tools of the Devil and that we must find and destroy the Smurf toy our cats love so dearly.

Well, my husband took away their Smurf doll and both cats were very upset and wouldn’t eat their food and constantly wandered around the house meowing for the rest of the day. That weekend we decided to accept the invitation of the JW’s to attend their public meeting on Sunday afternoon. While we were getting ready to leave, both cats rolled on their backs, stuck all four feet in the air, and played dead!

When we got back from the meeting that Sunday, we couldn’t find the cats in the house and figured they must be outside playing. Our doorbell rang soon afterwards as some of the JW’s we met at the meeting had stopped by to take us to a pot-luck dinner. On the way out to the car, we watched in horror as both our cats jumped out of the bushes and attacked this JW man. He was yelling for us to get the cats off his leg, as they both had stuck their claws in. The cats ran off when I went out to help and it was weird to hear him say, “No Blood Transfusions, No Blood Transfusions!” as he hobbled back to his car.

All Jehovah’s Witnesses now live in fear of coming to our house and gave us an ultimatum of losing our cats or getting ourselves killed by God when Armageddon comes (it is supposed to be any day now) because they refuse to go to our house with demonized cats. My husband thinks they are the real pussies in this story but tossed the decision to me, only adding we didn’t want any lawsuits coming our way from the cats attacking JW’s. So, with a heavy heart, I think it would be better to find a new home for these cats.

I’m thinking the ideal candidate for adoption will be an atheist or agnostic or maybe a Buddhist. I wouldn’t recommend our cats for Mormon’s, fundamental Christians or anyone else who makes a big deal of religion. Both cats are litter box trained and I have two cat boxes that go with them to their new owner. Both cats have their shots and are ID chipped. Somehow they found the Blue Smurf toy again so you got to consider this comes as a package deal. One cat is orange with white patches and the other black and gray stripped.

If you decide to send us hate mail, go for it and we will print them out and sent them along with our story to the Watchtower Headquarters so they can alert everyone not to buy Smurf toys for their cats. We do ask that when the article does come out in their magazine, that you let our cats read it so they can piss on it…

He had you right up until the last line, didn’t he?  (I know the author – a very creative ex-JW, and yes, he’s a he.)

BTW, if you dislike Jehovah’s Witnesses as much as these fictional cats did, and are a fan of horror or vampire novels, you’ll probably enjoy Blood Witness.