Step 1: Spend $1200 to convert your car to run on clean burring, ecologically friendly vegetable oil.

Step 2: Buy soybean oil from the Cosco, paying 30% more than you would for diesel.

Step 3: Pay a $2,000 fine to Big Brother for daring to go outside the system.

When government drone tax collector Reggie Little was questioned about this he used that favorite phrase of tyrants everywhere: “We’re not here to hurt the small guy, we’re just trying to make sure that the playing field is level.”