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Greanpeace Gives Butt Wiping Lessons

This just in – using thick toilet paper is worse than driving a hummer or living in a huge house.  According to this article:

Future generations are going to look at the way we make toilet paper as one of the greatest excesses of our age.

Yeah, no question.  When examining all the troubles and excess of our age, historians will be concentrating on how we wiped our butts.

If tree-huggers want to sandpaper their anuses with recycled paper, more power to them.  I’d suggest they pick a brand that has big chunks of wood in it so they can feel even more smug and self-righteous.  But if they want to condemn me for using a more comfortable alternative, they are cordially invited to kiss my ass.  And out of deference to their concerns, I won’t use any toilet paper first.

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5 Comment(s)

  1. Clearly they have not been paying enough attention. Toilet paper will be replaced in a few decades with three seashells so they should just quit their bitching. And their raw food idiocy will be quashed as well because, as everyone knows, in the future all food will be in pill form. Consider it a twofer ;).

    Secret Agent X9 | Mar 1, 2009 | Reply

  2. Toilet paper will be replaced in a few decades with three seashells. . .

    Demolition Man, it turns out, was really a documentary.

    http://www.davehitt.com/movies/d/demoman.html

    Dave Hitt | Mar 2, 2009 | Reply

  3. The thing is that for all its flaws, the world in Demolition Man was rather cheerful and it was mostly a childish disapproval by society regarding things like profanity and smoking.

    The world we are heading towards is a much more hostile morality than a childlike desire for perfection. There seems to be a real venom spouted by people like Jack Thompson, John Banzhaf, Stanton Glantz, and Bill Godshall that was not found in the movie.

    They have gone beyond the simple fact that “smoking is an unhealthy thing to do” and replaced it with “smoking is an evil thing to do and evil people do it”.

    Harley | Mar 5, 2009 | Reply

  4. “sandpaper their anuses with recycled paper”: Tear off a length of paper, fold it several times, dampen lightly, and rub lightly over a bar of soap. Smooth as silk.

    gmanedit | Mar 12, 2009 | Reply

  5. The underlying problem is, of course, that americans eat too much. Too much food = bigger butts, more poop, and more toilet paper.

    Erra | Jun 27, 2009 | Reply

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