We’re always lectured that it’s wrong to celebrate anyone’s death, even the death of evil people. I disagree. The world is far better off without him, and that’s worth celebrating.
I predict Muslims all over the world will riot over this. I also predict Seattle will get a lot of rain this summer and Paris Hilton will get even more skanky.
While this is an emotional release of almost orgasmic proportions for Americans, it won’t make much difference in the long term. We’ve already done a pretty good job of messing up his network, as evidenced by the lack of terrorism on US soil. After their initial outrage Muslims will consider him a martyr, and treat him the way Catholics treat their saints.
But we can extend our own jubilation just a bit longer by carefully disposing of his body in the most insulting way possible. You’ve probably received some variation of this e-mail a few times:
HOW TO STOP ISLAMIC TERRORISTS . . . it worked once in our History
Once in US history an episode of Islamic terrorism was very quickly stopped. It happened in the Philippines about 1911, when Gen. John J. Pershing was in command of the garrison. There had been numerous Islamic terrorist attacks, so “Black Jack” told his boys to catch the perps and teach them a lesson.
Forced to dig their own graves, the terrorists were all tied to posts, execution style. The US soldiers then brought in pigs and slaughtered them, rubbing their bullets in the blood and fat. Thus, the terrorists were terrorized; they saw that they would be contaminated with hogs’ blood. This would mean that they could not enter Heaven, even if they died as terrorist martyrs.
All but one was shot, their bodies dumped into the grave, and the hog guts dumped atop the bodies. The lone survivor was allowed to escape back to the terrorist camp and tell his brethren what happened to the others. This brought a stop to terrorism in the Philippines for the next 50 years.
Pointing a gun into the face of Islamic terrorists won’t make them flinch. They welcome the chance to die for Allah. Like Gen. Pershing, we must show them that they won’t get to Muslim heaven (which they believe has an endless supply of virgins) but instead will die with the hated pigs of the devil.
It’s a great story, but it probably never happened. There’s no record of it, but more importantly Pershing’s record indicates he’s not the kind of guy who would do that sort of thing.
But we can, and we should. We should sew up the body in a pigskin suit, dump it in a vat of pig entrails, and then give all the people who lost loved ones in 9/11 an opportunity to relieve themselves on it. Then we should bring it to an unmarked location, somewhere in the Mohave, perhaps, dump it in a deep hole and pile more pig guts on top of it.
Before covering and concealing the grave forever we’ll throw in pictures of 72 really ugly virgins. And then, as a final insult, a life-size pork rind sculpture of Rosie O’Donnell, completing the pig theme.
Update: Right after I posted this I saw the news that he was buriend at sea. Time quotes an official as saying, “”We are ensuring that it is handled in accordance with Islamic practice and tradition. This is something that we take very seriously. And so therefore this is being handled in an appropriate manner.”
So they not only blew an perfect opertunity for more closure, they aquesed to the Islamic superstisions.