04.30.2008 | 11:25 pm | Nanny Nation
MADD is demanding that Grand Theft Auto be giving the rating of Adults Only because players can drive drunk in the game. Citing their tiresome ass numbers, they proceed to give us their standard lecture, and then “suggest” that Rockstar remove the game from the market.
Rockstar has spent an estimated $100 million developing the most eagerly anticipated game ever, and these mouth-breathers think they’ll pull it because it offends their tender sensibilities.
This story was sent to me by Mike T, via Kotaku. Mike writes, “I remembered your MADD show a while ago and am pretty shocked at how dumb these people are.” I’m not. Nannyism is a mental disease, a religious infection that makes nannies immune from reason, logic, facts, or even simple common sense.
Mike says, “I’ve had GTA since it came out and the game *really* discourages you from driving drunk. You crash a lot, (usually with others in the car, sometimes sending them to the hospital,) and it’s a great way to end up with cops chasing you.
Also, the first time I came out of a bar in the game, my cousin, (in the game,) said something like, ‘we really should get a cab. You’re in no condition to drive.’”
My guess in the MADDtards have never played the game, but are going on some report somewhere that someone heard about from someone else who told them that there’s drunk driving in the game.
Wait until they hear about the hookers. . .
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04.29.2008 | 12:29 pm | Police State, Poker, Nanny Nation
North Carolina police staged a military style raid to protect the pubic from….a poker game.
After wasting taxpayers’ money with a ten month investigation, they burst into a home poker game and arrested 27 people, including an assistant prosecutor. They confiscated all the money they could find, including, according to one report, cash that people had in their purses and wallets. Then they went after people who weren’t at the game, but had played on other occasions.
Doesn’t that make you feel safer?
The police were enforcing a law from 1802 that prohibits laying any time of game, in your home, that uses dice or cards. Better find a good hiding place for your Monopoly, Sorry! and Cranium.
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04.28.2008 | 1:21 pm | Junk Science, Nanny Nation
Now that European nannies have succeeded in using bogus claims to outlaw smoking nearly everywhere , They’re moving on to their next target: passive drinking.
Uber Nanny Dr. Peter Anderson claims, “The total tangible cost of alcohol to EU society in 2003 was estimated {pulled out of someone’s ass} to be €125bn (€79bn-€220bn), equivalent to 1.3 per cent GDP, and which is roughly the same value as that found recently for tobacco.” Anderson was a driving force in vilification of Europe’s smokers. His primary tool was lying about the effects of second hand smoke, relying, of course, on ass numbers. “The intangible costs show the value people place on pain, suffering and lost life that occurs due to the criminal, social and health harms caused by alcohol. In 2003 these were estimated {pulled from way up my ass} to be €270bn, with other ways of valuing the same harms producing estimates between €150bn and €760bn.”
Did you really think the nannies would stop at tobacco?
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04.20.2008 | 10:24 pm | QH Podcasts, Politics
Once again the Palestinian people had an opportunely to vote, and once again they chose Hamas, who vows to destroy Israel, by a huge margin.
Jimmy Carter, the most incompetent president in my lifetime, was there to encourage the terrorists. He’s called for them to be recognized by other nations because maybe they might kinda sorta renounce violence sooner or later someday.
I lived through the Carter presidency. After the disaster that was Richard Nixon Americans voted in the mild mannered peanut farmer. His presidency was marked by exactly one accomplishment: he helped broker peace between Egypt and Israel. But everything else he did was a disaster.
Back then I was selling audio and video equipment at a store called Sounds Great. This was long before Best Buy and Circuit City. When you wanted a decent stereo you went to one of independent stores or small chains populated by salesmen who actually knew something about the equipment they were selling.
Under Carter inflation hit a whopping 18%. People were walking into the store carrying wads of cash, announcing they had just emptied their savings accounts and wanted to spend all their money while it was still worth something. This only lasted for a few months, but sales in the store rocketed to an all time high as people made a desperate attempt to spend all their money as fast as possible. But even that was minor compared to what was in store overseas.
America’s embarrassment started when fundamentalist Muslims in Iran toppled the Shah (who had been put there by Americans) and replaced him with the Ayatollah Khomeini. It came as a complete surprise. The ever clueless CIA was unaware of any trouble brewing until they read about it on the front page of the New York Times. Shortly after installing Khomeini Iranians attacked the American embassy and took more than sixty Americans hostage.
Carter’s response was to do nothing except talk, while asking Johnny Carson to avoid the subject in his nightly monologues. I still remember, a month later, watching Steve Martin break the ice with a Khomeini joke. Man, that felt great. Our silliest comic was the first person to stand up to the tyrant.
The days turned to weeks, the weeks turned into months, and still Carter took no action. Some hostages were released early because of health problems. Carter bravely promised he wouldn’t leave the White House until the rest of them were returned.
Americans were pissed and had been demanding action for months when Carter finally decided to do something. He sent a few helicopters on a rescue mission. The mission was a complete failure, with most of the helicopters never even making it to their destination. Khomeini’s popularity skyrocketed.
The hostages never were released under his presidency. They spent four hundred and forty four days being tortured and abused by Iranians. Their release wasn’t negotiated until Reagan won the election, and took place just a few minutes after he took the oath of office. Iran knew better than to keep up their nonsense with Reagan in charge of the military.
Imagine how different things would be now if, back then, Carter was in possession of testicles. He could have given Iran a very short time to release the hostages, perhaps the week or so that it would have taken to get our military in place. And if they still refused he could have gone in with the full might of the American military. They could have razed everything in their path on the way to the hostages.
Imagine the aftermath of that. Sure, there would be moaning and protests and hand wringing and vilifying of the US, but more importantly we would have sent a very important, unforgettable message to the world, especially the Muslim countries: Don’t fuck with us. The consequences are just too terrible.
Would 9/11 have happened? How about the reign of terror leading up to it? We’ll never know, because Gutless Jimmy blew his chance.
As Reagan began to win the cold war, Carter shuffled off and started Habitat for Humanity, a very cool charity that helped low income people become homeowners without giving them handouts. For a decade or so it looked like he might make up for being one our of our worst presidents by becoming one of our best ex-presidents.
But now he’s blown it again, hob-knobbing with terrorists. At a reception he literally hugged and kissed one of them. He’s even spewing their spew, referring to Israel as occupiers.
This, then, is Carter’s legacy. After kowtowing to terrorists while in office, he’s traveling the globe and kissing them. This makes him something far worse than a pathetically incompetent president. This makes him a despicable human being.
Cartoon Credit: Mike Lester, Cagle Cartoons
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04.18.2008 | 12:42 pm | Yeah - That'll Work, Nanny Nation
While most countries are badgering their citizens to lose weight, France thinks they have the opposite problem – some of their citizens are too skinny.
New French legislation makes it a crime to promote excessive thinness. Anyone guilty faces fines of up to $70,000 dollars and three years in jail, where the food is, evidently, abundant and excellent. The law applies to all media, but the primary target seems to be pro-anna web sites which proclaim anorexia or bulimia is a good and preferred lifestyle.
I found this post on a pro anna site: “its so strange ive had like a rice cake and i feel like purging. i think im going to have to. i cant cope today!” Evidently she’s too weak to hold down the shift key.
France’s government did this after a Brazilian supermodel literally starved herself to death, lowering the country’s total IQ by nearly sixteen points.
Ladies, if you’re considering doing something as stupid as developing an eating order on purpose, please accept this observation from an average male guy type person:
Guys like women that are woman shaped. That means curvy bits, not straight lines. Breasts are sexy (we really like breasts). Visible ribs are gross. Hips are sexy. Hip bones are disgusting.
If your boyfriend gets painful bruises when he hugs you he won’t continue being affectionate. Nor is he likely to stay around if he runs his fingers down your shoulder blades and cuts himself.
So have a sandwich.
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04.16.2008 | 12:57 pm | Religion
Aw, the pope is deeply ashamed that his church spent decades shuffling pedophile priests to new congregations in search of fresh meet. Gee, that makes it all better.
Where 
was the Vatican’s outrage when this story first broke a decade or so ago? The Church could have taken the high road and immediately started cooperating with the cops, turning in not only their perverted priests but the cardinals who participated in the pedo-shuffle. They could have used it as an opportunity to portray themselves as a moral authority. Instead, they showed their true colors, and displayed to the world they are a dishonest, corrupt, hypocritical and useless organization. First they tried ignoring the story. Then they tried covering it up. Then they promoted some of the guilty cardinals.
And now, years and years later, the current pope thinks crocodile tears will make it all better. He said “We will absolutely exclude pedophiles from the sacred ministry.” Ooo, good plan. I wonder how long they worked on it.
Well, at least they put out a coloring book warning kids about their clergy.
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04.14.2008 | 1:12 pm | Yeah - That'll Work, Nanny Nation
Evidently it doesn’t take much to be a professor in New Zealand. Or a “top public health expert,” for that matter.
Professor Rod Jackson (which would be an excellent screen name for a porn star) has declared that butter is poison. He uses the word repeatedly in his rants. He claims “We have a health tax on alcohol and cigarettes and there should be a health tax on butter. It’s the most poisonous commonly consumed food in New Zealand. It’s about the purest form of saturated fat you can eat and it has no protein and no calcium. Butter has had all the good things taken out and just left the poison.” It’s easy to picture him wiping the foam from his chin after his rant.
New Zealand is a very nanny state, but this is too much even for them. There are no plans to make this idiot’s demand into law. For now.
Japans contribution to this kind of lunacy is even worse. The government has mandated that everyone over 40 must have a “regulation size” waist of 33.5 inches. Companies are not only required to monitor their employee’s weight, but also the weight of their families. Companies who don’t comply will be fined 10% of their profits. Expect to see more fat people on the unemployment lines, and blocking the sidewalks begging for change.
There goes Sumo as a national sport.
Japan has socialized medicine like all socialized medicine, is getting difficult fund. This gives them the justification to force people to be healthy.
Meanwhile, back in the states, schools across the country are banning “junk food,” foolishly believing that all you have to do to get rid of something popular is make it illegal, because that always works so well. And everywhere this happens smart, entrepreneurial students load up their back packs with candy, soda and chips to sell to their fellow students. If they’re caught, instead of being given extra credit for their initiative and business acumen, their goods are confiscated and they’re sent to detention. I’ve yet to see an article mention what happens to the confiscated candy, but I’m guessing the teachers aren’t losing any weight.
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04.8.2008 | 11:24 pm | Religion
Imagine that the parents of an 11 year old child refused to give her medical treatment because they believed the ancient god Moloch would save her. They prayed to Moloch for a month, convinced that he would cure her ills, while the child got sicker and sicker. But alas, the child died of juvenile diabetes. Now imagine that the couple has three other children, and the authorities said it’s just fine and dandy for the kids to stay with their parents. “They are still in the home,” the police chief said. “There is no reason to remove them. There is no abuse or signs of abuse that we can see.”
Stop imagining. It happened, except they prayed to a different god. And since their abuse was religious, they get to keep their other three kids, because, what the hell, their belief was sincere.
What the hell is wrong with the police chief? No signs of abuse? How about one dead kid? Isn’t that abusive enough?
Fortunately, this is fairly uncommon, but it happens several times a year in the US, and almost every time the authorities not only let the parents get away with it, but allow them to keep any of their other kids who have been lucky enough to stay healthy.
While researching this story I came across this blog post, which lead to this link showing Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrating the death of their children.
JW’s use most medical care, but refuse blood transfusions. And now they’ve got the gall to present us with the happy, smiling faces of the children they’ve killed. How about showing their lifeless corpses laid out in coffins, you sick bastards?
I am not a big fan of Child Protective Services, whose goal seems to be breaking up healthy families and keeping violent dysfunctional ones together. In these situations they could actually do some good for a change. Once a parent demonstrates that they are too stupid to provide medical care for a child, their other kids need to be rescued from them immediately. The cause of the stupidity doesn’t matter.
And then, of course, the parents need to spend some time in prison. It doesn’t matter how sincere they were. It doesn’t matter which god they believed in. They killed their kid. They deserve severe punishment.
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04.8.2008 | 10:48 pm | Police State, Ridiculous, Big Brother, Politics
If you want to go fishing in any of the Great Lakes, be sure to have your passport. And to fax in all your ID info to customs an hour before you leave. And then visit customs afterward to have your photographs taken, along with a sliver of your dignity.
These are new rules to protect us from terrorists. Don’t you feel safer now? Of course you do, comrade.
Sheesh, could our government get any more stupid and incompetent? Probably. Stay tuned.
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04.4.2008 | 10:34 pm | Pop Culture
I recently added StumbleUpon to my browser. You tell it what kinds of things you’re interested in, and when you’re bored you click the icon on your taskbar and it brings to to a semi-random site that they think will interest you. You can then rate it thumbs up or thumbs down with a mouse click, and comment on it if you’re so inclined.
It’s OK, but not great. They repeat too many sites, including ones I’ve thumbed down. But they also hit some great sites from time to time, ones I probably wouldn’t have found on my own.
One thing it’s taught me, though, is just how many horribly bad comics are on the tubes. Stupid, poorly drawn, just plain bad comics. And the worst of all are the stick figure comics. There are hundreds of them.
You don’t have to be Da Vinci to draw a comic. No one is expecting brilliant artwork. But if the best you can do is stick figures: don’t bother! Stick figure comics are stupid and ridiculous. If you’re stupid and ridiculous you might want to avoid advertising that to the world.
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04.4.2008 | 1:21 pm | Politics
New York State, faced with a five billon dollar deficit, are turning to their favorite whipping boy: Smokers. After making it illegal to have a smoke in a bar, driving people outside in the weather, and going so far as to make it illegal for business owners to provide any kind of shelter for smokers (even something as simple as an awning) they’re looking to screw smokers even more to finance their nanny state.
If enacted this would give NYS the highest cigarette taxes in the nation. According to this article about a third of NYS smokers take steps to avoid being screwed by buying under taxed cigarettes. This Cato study puts the number at 50%. Nicotine nannies scream that this “costs taxpayers X dollars,” which is complete bullshit. These people are merely keeping a bit more of their own money, money the state has no right to.
The idiots in the NYS legislature have no understanding of basic economics, which runs on incentives. When taxes are low, people have little incentive to evade them. Each time they go up another block of citizens decides to do something about it, personally. They should not be considered criminals. They should be considered patriots.
The Boston Tea party was held over a three percent tax. Three percent. Their act of vandalism is widely considered as patriotic. Today’s smokers are paying taxes of hundreds of percent, and it is truly taxation without representation. (When was the last time any legislator, at any level in the government, did something for smokers?) This article, which I wrote in 2000 about a previous tax hike, suggests we have another tea party – and toss our useless, self serving legislators into the Hudson River. It would, of course, increase the pollution, but it would be well worth it.
Barring that, buy illegally. It’s patriotic.
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